Some of the Reasons I Broke Up With Cee-Lo
By Kristi Harrison
Maybe you’ve heard Cee-Lo’s hilarious little song that he wrote about some girl who apparently broke his heart.
This song is about me. Laugh it up, monkeys, but that man had it coming. Here’s why:
1. Verbal abuse is no joke. Do you know when I heard the first version of this song? When I accidentally got Scooters instead of Cheerios from the grocery store. He sang this song in front of everyone in the cereal aisle, except he wasn’t singing, he was screaming. And he threw Pop Tarts up in the air and then ninja-kicked them. And then he sexually violated a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s.
2. That’s not change in his pocket. It’s a gun. And he doesn’t have a permit for it. He carries around a little index card that says ‘CEE-LO BEEN HAD THIS GUN’ and says it’s his permit, but it’s not. And in the other pocket? Grape jello. Don’t ask.
3. A golddigger doesn’t leave a millionaire singer for a middle aged special ed teacher. So don’t even play that, Cee.
35K a year, homey.
3. This is clearly a VW. What’s wrong with you? Are your eyes broke?
4. That pain in his chest is angina. And it’s going to kill him. I didn’t do it. KFC Double Downs did. You know what else? I don’t know CPR. I tried to learn but I couldn’t concentrate when Cee-Lo kept screaming at me about my heart saving inadequacies. You know what else? I told him to stop eating like that and to go for a jog with me every now and then. He sang a different version of this song at me. But, once again, he didn’t actually sing it. He shrieked it in my face. There was spittle everywhere.
And then he mimed getting his gun out and shooting me with it. He said he was doing charades but it wasn’t even game night.
5. He dresses like that because he thinks everyday is Halloween. And his people refuse to tell him otherwise. Or that 36-year-old men don’t dress up for Halloween. The worst is when he goes trick-or-treating every day at dusk. Every night, y’all. And that candy isn’t helping with the heart situation, either.
6. Mr. Special Ed teacher doesn’t need to get bailed out of jail once a week. Because it turns out not everyone begs, borrows, steals and cheats for love. That was just a Cee-Lo thing.
7. Danger Mouse. Ugh. THAT GUY.
8. He knows I don’t know video games systems. So Xbox versus Atari doesn’t work on me. This is a basic communication issue. If he had said, “He’s an – I don’t know – a 24K Myosotis Anna Sui dress from Anthropologie’s fall 2010 collection, and I’m a pair of White Stag polyester pants that were purchased at Walmart in 1992,” well, then we’d be speaking the same language. This is why I wanted to do counseling. Mr. Big Stuff was too busy trick-or-treating for couples counseling once a week.
9. And let’s not even talk about the ‘Funk’ situation. Or let’s. When we were together I got Cee-Lo to substitute ‘funk’ for the ‘F’ word. I consider this my one success in the relationship. So, clearly this song is just a huge slap in the face to me. You know what else is a slap in the face? When your boyfriend mimes slapping your face in the cereal aisle.
This guy and his pantomime problem is a whole other list altogether.
10. I could never tell who he was talking to. Even now…I can’t tell. Me? My special ed teacher boyfriend? He flits back and forth like he’s handicapable in the head himself…which would actually make sense when I think of it. All the signs were there – the jello in the pocket, the rages in the cereal aisle, mistaking a Volkswagen Bug for a Ferrari.
I guess when you put it that way you just have to feel sorry for the guy.
