Snow In All 50 States: An Open Letter To FloridaBy Luis Prada
ED. NOTE: This article was originally written nearly a year ago, but it seems it’s just as relevant today.
Hey, Florida! Yeah, I’m talking to you! The state that I’m currently living in! You suck! First, it was with the 2000 presidential election, now it’s with snow. What the hell is your deal, man? What, do you have some kind of problem with the rest of the country, or something? Do you think you’re such a damn rebel/renegade that you can just hold everyone back from doing great things?
Damn it, you suck. Seriously.
Oh, what’s that, Florida? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, let me explain it to you in the same way I would explain tying shoelaces to my cats.
If it snows in Florida today, it will be a momentous occasion. It would be the first time in probably ever that there was snow on the ground in all 50 states in this great nation that we call The United States of America. Keyword: United.
You see, you and your dickish ways are holding us back from a landmark achievement. Do you understand how awesome it would be if there’s snow literally all over the country? Shit, even Hawaii has some snow on it. Granted, their beaches aren’t caked in a soft blanket of powdery coldness like a bunch of other states, only some of their mountain tops are covered in snow, but still – they’ve got snow and you, or should I say “we,” don’t.
You’re such a wet blanket, Florida. I’m serious. You always rain on everyone’s parade, yet you never rain on parades when the temperature drops down to the 30s. That would be the perfect time to rain on some parades. Because, then, you wouldn’t be raining on the parade, you’d be snowing on the parade, which is exactly what we want. So, now, you’re probably going to hold off on the parade raining for once and instead fold your arms to your chest, turn your head slightly and act passive-aggressively indifferent towards the parade. And I say fuck you very much for that one. Asshole.
Do you realize that I’ve never seen snow in person before? Yeah, sure, I’m too far south to actually see the snow, seeing as if it does snow in Florida today it would be in the north. But fuck that noise. I want the peace of mind of knowing that only few hundred miles from me there are frosty little flakes of frosty frostness falling frostily to the frosty ground.
C’mon, Florida. Don’t be such a dick, man. Bring us some snow. Bring us this momentous occasion. Do you want to be looked back upon with fond remembrance of that one time that every state in the union was covered in snow, and that Florida (yes, you) were the one that at the 11th hour rode in on your mighty steed with a cavalry of snow behind you; or do you want to be the nefarious douchebag that fucked up our joy, shit in our cereal and reminded everyone of why you (and in turn, I) suck?
I know, I know. There’s a lot of pressure to perform here. And I understand that when it comes time to shine you just might get pee shy and puss out at the last second. I know. It’s tough. But you have to suck it up and get your shit in order. You have to find that inner snow that I and all Floridians know you have in you. We’re not asking for a blizzard, we just want a small pile of snow in Gainesville, or some light flakes in Tallahassee, or a giant fucking blizzard in Pensacola because that place sucks.
That’s all we ask, Florida. That’s all we ask…
Please, be smart. Give us some snow.
The ball is in your court now, Florida. Do you want to continue to be a callous asshole, or do you finally want to join the totally kick ass party that everyone else has already RSVP’ed for?
You’re move, Florida.
P.S. – Seriously, though. What the fuck happened in 2000, man?
P.P.S. – From space, you look like a penis. Or the head of a sad cartoon turtle with snot hanging from its nose.