SHARK ATTACK!!!

You may have heard the news that a kite surfer in Florida was killed yesterday after a shark attack.  And it’s believed to have been the result of multiple sharks.  They’re not even content to keep it a fair fight anymore.  The time has come, kids.  The time has come.

In the FunnyCrave sub-basement 3 we have a reinforced lockbox that’s guaranteed earthquake proof, can withstand temperatures over 2000 degrees centigrade and can resist all but the finest of diamond-tipped drills and/or super powered laser cutting devices.  It requires two keys to open, one which is kept at all times by FunnyCrave Editor-in-Chief Adam Brown, the other which we entrusted to Jake Busey, son of Gary Busey.  Yesterday, we picked up the red phone (the Busey hotline) and connected directly with Jake.  No words were spoken.  He simply acknowledged the call and hung up.  And then we waited.

Once Mr. Busey arrived, he and Adam Brown proceeded to sub-basement 3 and made their way through the labyrinth within, using torches to guide them.  The labyrinth was constructed by a German engineer named Han Gruber Sprungfeld, a man driven made by syphilis and absinthe abuse and it has no equal in the world.  It is a puzzle of unfathomable cruelty and intricacy and at its heart lies the box.  Jake Busey died on the way there.  But Adam removed his key and went on.

Adam had to fight three gladiators to the death before he was given access to the box by the blind monks who watch over it.  And then, beaten, bloodied but victorious, they dressed his wounds and presented the box, which he unlocked.  And from within, he retrieved a single piece of lined paper.  A paper entitled “SHARK ATTACK!!!”  Yes, it has three exclamation points.

Websites, newspapers and old salts will tell you what to do in case of shark attacks because they are foolish and don’t know any better or have blinded themselves to the truth.  And at best, these only deal with shark attacks.  We’re talking about SHARK ATTACKS!!! today.   Honestly, punch it in the nose?  What are you, stupid?

The paper Adam retrieved, and lost a leg returning to the surface, details not what to do in case of SHARK ATTACKS!!! but what to expect.  Because it is time.  The time is now.  The sharks have organized.  It’s not about swimming any more.  It’s about a brief one of our interns intercepted in the summer entitled “Sharks Determined to Attack inside the United States.”  It explains everything.

According to the brief, beach attacks are merely the staging ground and phase one of a multi-phase attack plan.  Sharks plan on branching out. Their first targets are power generating facilities.  With the lights out, people will not see sharks coming.  You may even step outside to ask a neighbor if their power is out.  Then a shark eats you on your lawn.

After this, the plan is to impersonate government and law enforcement officials.  One minute you’re driving to work, the next a cop is signaling you need to pull over.  Only instead of asking for your license, he eats you because he’s a shark and you never saw it coming.

The final phase involves total saturation at all levels.  Your friends, neighbors, even family members.  Did they have those dorsal fins yesterday?  Why does grandma have your leg in her mouth?  By the time you figure it out, it’s already too late.

SHARK ATTACKS!!!