Senseless Zombie Hate Crime

In recent years, the world has become aware of the growing threat of Zombies. Countless films, books, songs, and articles have been published on the subject of zombie protection. What began as simple cautionary suggestions as to zombie outbreak preparedness has blow up in to massive zombie paranoia that threatens the very fabric of our society. Look no further for an example of this than an Iowa man that was wrongly profiled as a zombie, and then suffered the consequence of humanity’s bitter ignorance of zombiedom.

This past weekend, an Iowa man entered a fast food restaurant for some regular, non-human-flesh food. As the man stood in line, a second individual kept eyeing him – keeping tabs on his movements, perhaps listening intently while he ordered in the off chance that the supposed “Zombie” slipped up and accidentally ordered brains with a side order of human meat.

The eyeing man then lost his patients and simply walked up to the man and asked if he was a zombie. Now, in terms of zombie identification, this is both a good and bad tactic. It’s good in that if the man were a zombie, he would not respond with human words – maybe just a few guttural “Hhuhhhhaaa’s.” It’s bad because if he does turn out to be a zombie the man has then placed himself within biting distance. This man is a risk taker indeed.

Just as the man in the line was about to respond, he was cut off by a fist to the eye. As the “Zombie” reached for his cell phone to call the police, he was punched again, receiving a broken nose this time. After the second punch, the puncher fled the scene and has yet to be found.

See, America? Do you see what our zombie hate has done to us? Yes, zombies are a problem, but we need not to lose our minds over it. We are sacrificing our own humanity in this war with the undead. Once we lose what makes up human, what then makes us different from out rotting enemies?

Answer: the eating of the human flesh thing, as well we the being dead thing.