Scientology Will Not Be Questioned
Oct 26, 2009 - By Ian ForteyThat fool Martin Bashir has no journalistic integrity. Him and his Nightline are all a bunch of no-talent phonies. For proof, watch that video. Look at him, smug bastard. Asking questions. If there’s one thing Scientology won’t abide, it’s polite questions meant to clarify popular rumors about a prominent pseudo-religion’s system of beliefs. Where did Bashir get his journalism degree from anyway, Guy Who Asks Questions University? (Ed. Note – Out ff the 16 people in the FunnyCrave offices, that joke polled highest with “AssFace Technical School” coming in a close second.) Incidentally, if there’s a second thing Scientology won’t abide it’s mocking Tom Cruise, mocking L Ron Hubbard, mocking Narcanon, psychiatry, the internet, any questions at all, people leaving the Church, members not breaking the law, not making a constant fool of themselves anytime they speak in public, homosexuals and Anonymous.
As you can see, the Scientologist in the video will have no part of Bashir asking him about Lord Xenu and the assorted other cute beliefs Scientologists have that they pretend they don’t have and try to ignore because some PR guy pointed out once just how retarded their sort-of religion is. Apparently freedom of religion includes freedom to keep your religion secret. You’re free to not let anyone know what they’re going to believe if they sign up. Sweet.
What you didn’t see was the unedited version of that video, in which Bashir interviews a handful of other scientologist who all walked out on him as well. Lucky for you, we have a staffer who regularly sneaks into ABC headquarters to steal office supplies and snacks from the vending machines, and he got his hands on the footage. Here are the questions Bashir asked that sent everyone for the hills.
- Isn’t it true that, in order to be baptized into Scientology, you have to spend a night in a sleeping bag with Tom Cruise and if either of you make eye contact and giggle, you’re forced to kiss for 7 seconds?
-According to inside sources, on Arbor Day all Scientologists must engage in coitus with a tree. Afterwards the tree will be cut down so it may never speak of the incident. Is this correct?
-Is it true that Lisa Marie Presley has to live with you for the first month of your time as a Scientologist and if you ever close the bathroom door she beats you with pantyhose stuffed with walnuts?
- A widely available document on the internet suggests that, as a Scientologist, you are expected to save all bowel movements in a jar. Comments?
-L Ron Hubbard once wrote “And then one time, there was the space ship! And it was like VROOOOOSH!! And everyone was like “NOO!!” but it was like VAAA-RROOOSH! And then everyone was like “fuck!” and so if you join the church you have to show me your boobies! Unless you’re a dude, then I’ll just look at your nuts. But just one, I ain’t a homo.” How does this relate to your beliefs?
Monday, October 26, 2009 9:20PM
LOL, Tommy Davis is Anne Archer's son, also known as Mr. Footbullets.
What a nasty little CU*T. ("N" & "L" both apply in this case.)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:40AM
I'm beginning to think anyone who writes about Scientology, or asks questions about the religion, are retard*d. I mean, c'mon! Even an anti-Scientology group should not take this information seriously!
The questions are offensive, out of line, and not in any way a serious attempt to get information about the religious beliefs and practices of Scientologists.
Let me tell you, as human beings, the only difference you will see between the "average" human being, and a properly practicing Scientologist, is a Scientologist has higher standards, morals, and are usually more likely to succeed in what they do. If that means becoming a famous actor, making a ton of money, or just being a happy housewife in a good household. Scientology is for everyone. Not just for the few and specially "chosen." Also, there is no such thing as "the best auditors" – all auditors are trained to professional level. There is the internship period, and there is the time when they are LEARNING that they may not be as good as a completely certified auditor. But then, a interning doctor, or music student, would not be as good as a Professional doctor or musician.
Don't be dumb, seriously. The religion does not turn you into a "zombie" or a "mind-controlled" freak. In case you haven't noticed, mistakes have been made, anger has been shown, and people are still people. Grow up and start to appreciate the diversity of beliefs on this Planet. No need to be so malicious, and its not getting anywhere. So stop.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:51AM
ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 4:24AM
While Jamie has typed quite a lot of text, not a single bit of it actually is a denial of “the Xenu story”. The story is true, exists in L Ron Hubbard’s own handwriting, and is part of the Operating Thetan (OT) III level in Scientology.
While I personally consider the belief system to be more looney tunes than any of the major religions out there, people are entitled to believe in what they want.
Anonymous, critics, and former members do not care about the Church of Scientology’s beliefs. We care about its crimes. Crimes like the Disconnection policy, Fair Game policy, the human trafficking, slave labor, child labor, the Rehabilitation Project Force (which is reminiscent of a prison work camp), the brutal reign of David Miscavige who beats his staff, and the threats of blackmail and forced imprisonment to those who are on staff or in the SeaOrg and try to leave.
We have not come for what you believe, we’ve come for what you’ve done.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 10:55AM
Scientology consists totally of what Hubbard wrote & spoke.
Scientology is devised as if it has all the answers about the spirit , mind & the reason for life.
It is for this reason that converts & anybody else should not question what is taken as the whole truth nothing but the truth so help me Hubbard.
To really understand Scientology the REAL life of Hubbard should be read not the life of Hubbard as is disseminated by Scientology.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 4:06PM
The problem is that they take themselves too seriously. People have beleive and defended for 2000+ years that a MAN named Jesus Christ died from torture, was buried and rose from the dead. In all those 2000+ years not to many more people have rose from the dead but we still beleive that Jesus has and its preached openly by the Catholic church as part of the belief system. Scientology does not embrace its roots and by denying the fact that RLH wrote those things is basic blasphemy.
I beleive that if RLH was still around this would not be happening and it would be openly discussed that his religion is based on a platform of extra terrestrials.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 2:20PM
"I'm beginning to think anyone who writes about Scientology, or asks questions about the religion, are retard*d. I mean, c'mon! Even an anti-Scientology group should not take this information seriously! "
LOL, Jamie, anyone who asks questions is insane?
I posit that your suggestion is insane.
To those who would say "move along, nothing to see here" I would suggest googling "the truth rundown".
As exposed by the St. Petersburg Times in June and August, the COS is run like goodfellows, with brutal beatings of staff members. These are beatings by a cult leader of his staff members. These beatings take place virtually every day. Also, the COS was convicted of fraud in France yesterday– the entire church, for scamming its members. Suriprise surprise.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 2:23PM
Then there is the policy of family disconnection, where the cult isolates its targets from his or her family. This happens every day. Forced abortions at the Sea Org, par for the course. Oh, and not forget that this is a fraud/ponzi scheme. Yesterday Fance convicted the entire French Church of Scientology of fraud. The news is all over the web. As long as this stuff goes on, I think people are going to take issue with it, no matter how much cult members inappropriately demand that people look the other way.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 2:32PM
"The problem is that they take themselves too seriously. People have beleive and defended for 2000+ years that a MAN named Jesus Christ died from torture, was buried and rose from the dead."
Sorry, but a 50 year old cult that was just yesterday convicted of fraud in France– not just the top members but the entire church– does not equate to an ancient religion that has earned its stripes by virtue of survival and reform over 2,000 years.
Does the Pope attack his staff in sureal and bizarre fashion? Has the entire Catholic Church been convicted of fraud? Does the Pope disconnect parents from their children to make them more viable targets for cult indoctrination?
Thursday, October 29, 2009 11:01AM
“Let me tell you, as human beings, the only difference you will see between the “average” human being, and a properly practicing Scientologist, is a Scientologist has higher standards, morals, and are usually more likely to succeed in what they do.”
LOL! By whose standards, Jamie? Those of a cult that has been convicted of FRAUD? Because I can tell you that it certainly isn’t by the standards of society.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 2:05AM
there's a great old biog of L Ron H called "Bare Faced Messiah" – very thoroughly sourced. It's a laugh a minute – time for a reprint?