Scientology Under Fire from Nick Xenophon: Intergalactic Badass

We’re setting a precedent today at FunnyCrave, so take out your pocket organizer and make a tiny, hard-to-read note about November 18^th, 2009.  Today was the day a story so awesome hit the internet that we didn’t even research it.

You’re probably all like “Hey FunnyCrave, do you want to see my bountiful bosom?” because, undoubtedly, you’re a hot chick.  And the answer is yes, we all do.  All except our copy editor Myron.  No, he’s not gay.  He’s actually asexual.  I know, right?  What the hell?  But that’s something we can address later.  For now, you need to know that when news happens, contrary to everything we’ve ever written, we really do read it.  Like actual news stories.  And then we ignore the facts and write something else.  But this time, we don’t even want the facts getting in the way of our idealized version of what is likely the awesomest thing in the history of awesomeness.  Like if awesome and kick ass had a baby, and that baby was born with a guitar, a pack of Marlboros and the phone number of a chick named Lacy who came to Hollywood to become a famous actress but so far hasn’t had much luck, that guy would look at this story and be like “Damn dude, we should hang out sometime.”

The headlines from around the internet are all you need.  In Australia, some bad ass named Nick Xenophon has decided he’s had enough of Scientology in his country and wants to bring that bitch down.  Nick Xenophon said that.  Here’s a list of things a guy named Nick Xenophon can get away with saying:

-It’s cool honey, you were swell.  But now you gotta scat, your sister is coming over.

-That’s not my car.  But it will be later.

-I could punch you in the balls

-I’m going to finish my cigarette.  Then you can remove my cancer.  Screw it, I’ll do it myself while I smoke.

-…and when I finished, I high-fived your dad and left.  9 months later, you were born.

-I cooked dinner under the hood of my Jeep

-I’m Nick Xenophon.  You better recognize.

Xenophon is apparently a senator in Australia, and that means the people of Australia came together as a group in enough numbers to acknowledge they wanted Xenophon to get shit done on their behalf.  They were all “Damn, all this Fosters and koala crap is weak.  We need change.”  And then Xenophon appears and it seems like this man is taking guff from no one.  He’s guffless.  Not Paul Hogan, not Mel Gibson and sure as hell not Tom Cruise, because he’s fed up with Scientology.  Likely he intends to wait until he’s officially sanctioned by the government before he heads to the Australian HQ of Scientology and literally kicks the building to the ground.  Literally.  With his goddamn feet.  Which will probably be bare because Nick Xenophon don’t need no damn shoes.  Now scat, your sister’s coming over.