Sarah Palin Not Running For President: Thanks For Wasting Our Time, Lady

For all her bus touring, for all her stump speeches at political rallies, for all her wink, winks and nudge, nudges during Fox News interviews as she’s framed by her bucolic Alaskan lake house, Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she is not – repeat, NOT – running for president in 2012.

Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, Sarah. Thanks a lot.

From the moment Barack Obama was elected president, Sarah Palin has been on the campaign trail, shaking hands, kissing babies, making America fear death panels. And now, all of a sudden, when the Republican Party could use her folksy weirdness the most, she calls it quits.

Look, I’m not saying I would have voted for Mrs. Palin, like at all. But not having her in the race for the Republican presidential nominee means the race for the Republican nominee is going to be so much more boring than any of us had originally anticipated. Love her or hate her, she makes everything she’s apart of far more interesting, whether it’s a presidential race or buying a sandwich at a Subway.

“You know, these sandwiches are, you know, very much the American dream between two buns. It’s like when our founding fathers came together to form a more perfect union – and then they did. And then they formed a more perfect turkey and Swiss on rye with chipotle mayo. That’s American ingenuity, right there. And the innovation of chipotle is singularly American ideal that, you know, could only America. And freedom.”

As long as there’s a camera and even the tiniest sliver of an opportunity to speak her mind on her trumped-up, highly idealized interpretation of what America is and should be, there is always the potential for entertainment. But now it’s gone. Now, we’re stuck with a bunch of uninteresting people that will eat each other alive, like starving, bloodthirsty cannibals that also have a tax cut plan.

It would have been so nice to see Sarah duke it out on national television with a whole host of people vying for the same position; all of them fully realizing that she is the front runner, and therefore attacking her every thought and stance. It would have been incredible to watch the tiny people in her brain scramble madly, trying to think of some kind of comprehensible reply to an accusatory question from her fellow candidates, and then to watch her somehow work in those buzzwords, like freedom and liberty, and guns, that make people forget that she actually didn’t say anything at all. And then, the cherry on top, to watch her, possibly even in the same breath, get mad about someone bringing her family in to the discussion…and then bringing her family in to the discussion herself, as if she were pitching a reality show to a TV executive by detailing all of the wacky personality types that will constantly butt heads every Wednesday night at 9 central, no eastern time because those east coast liberal elite wouldn’t – couldn’t! – understand the gritty folksiness and down-home, godly family dynamics presented on the show.

Sarah, it would have been really nice to watch you run for president. You wouldn’t have won; it wouldn’t have even been close, but it would have been fun. And that’s what really counts. After all, these presidential races are purely for our own amusement. Why would we, the American public, deprive ourselves of 2 years of stuffy people in suits sounding like idiots until one of them says something slightly less idiotic than everyone else and becomes the president as a result? We will never give that up. But, sadly, you have.