Santa Claus: Bad Role Model?

If you’re anything like us, then you’ve been raised to be very suspicious of this Santa Claus guy. Perhaps you, like us at the age of 8, pontificated philosophically on the true motivations of this Mr. Claus. Who does he answer to? Is there any kind of oversight on his workshop facility? Why does he do what he does? How does he fund his operations?

These questions and many more have plagued us for many a year. While today’s news story may not answer many of these questions, it does prove that we are not the only ones taking this matter seriously.

Nathan Grills, a public health expert from Monash University in Australia, has released a research paper that blows the lid off this whole Santa guy and his mysterious, shady ways. After scouring many ancient texts and closely examining Santa’s mythos, Grills has deemed Santa a bad role model for children; citing his predilection for the eating of fattening cookies, occasionally smoking cigars, and, perhaps worst of all, performing such extreme activities as “roof surfing and chimney jumping” without the use of a helmet. Worse yet, his research also showed a very high Santa awareness amongst children – children that are no doubt influenced by Santa’s disregard for personal safety and health.

To that last point, Grills actually uncovered some startling evidence: a correlation between countries with the highest Santa awareness, and high childhood obesity rates.  ”Santa promotes a message that obesity is synonymous with cheerfulness and joviality,” Grills wrote in his paper. We will continue this quote with something that we just made up, “but as we all know, that is a lie. Fat people are sad. Both emotionally, and on the grander scheme of life. That is to say, “Sad” as in “Pathetic.”

Most horrifying of all, Grills points out that Santa’s constant close encounters with sickly children make him a walking bio-hazard; a  “one-man outbreak waiting to happen.”

“Unsuspecting little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his present, he gets H1N1 influenza,” said Grills.

But Grills has barely scratched the surface with this game-changing research paper. His study did not cover the other aspects of Santa’s way of life that can be viewed as a bad influence at best, and atrocious at worst. For instance, the elves. Santa has entire factory of what can ostensibly be considered minorities (how many elves have you seen in real life?) working long, grueling hours in the bitter cold that is the North Pole. And, lest we forget, Santa’s Naughty or Nice list of children’s names is entirely subjective, and has never before been discussed within committee, or subjected to the scrutiny of a panel of childhood behavioral experts.

Also, how did he get these names? Is Santa in cahoots with all world governments? Are they supplying Santa with the names and locations of all children everywhere? Why are they entrusting this man with this much power and information?

Sure, this all may seem like hearsay and conjecture, but we’re just asking simple questions – simple questions for frightening times.