Santa Claus Robs Banks

Every year around this time Old St. Nick rears his ugly head and engages in a world-wide crime spree.  Makes you wonder how no one sees this coming since at least once every Christmas Santa decides to commit some kind of felony and then he’s right back at it next year.  He must have a wicked awesome lawyer.

This year, Santa robbed a bank in Tennessee and his disguise sucked.  Look at him, he has sunglasses on.  Come on.  The red suit, the white beard.  It’s obvious who it is.  Good luck escaping justice this year, Santa.  Dumbass.

According to witnesses, Santa told the teller he needed the money to pay his elves, which is probably the best thing anyone robbing a bank has ever said.  After he left the bank he made his getaway in a grey car.  You were probably expecting it to be like a sleigh or something, but that would be silly.  There’s not much snow in Tennessee, a sleigh would have gone virtually nowhere.  Plus, if it was a sleigh, the cops would have been all “Be on the lookout for a sleigh” and that really would have limited their search down to people driving sleighs.  No one at FunnyCrave has been to Tennessee in over a decade because of the smell, but last we checked, there’s not so many sleighs.

And even though this is the only holiday themed felony in the news right now, don’t be fooled.  Every year, hundreds of holiday crimes are committed all over the world and we turn a blind eye because they’re committed by friendly holiday icons who we all love so much.  And that’s how they get away with it.  Look what 2009 gave us;

-the Easter Bunny was arrested for public indecency after masturbating in a library

-Cupid was arrested on arson charges after burning down 6 retirement homes

-6 jack-o-lanterns have been indicted for selling crack

-John Adams fought a donkey on President’s Day

-a pilgrim was caught making love to a frozen turkey in a supermarket a week before Thanksgiving

-Three drunken Leprechauns drove a car off of a bridge in New York

-Baby New York blew up an embassy

-after the groundhog saw it’s shadow, it slipped a college girl some roofies

-Two rabbis with a dreidel and a menorah beat a nun to death on 8 consecutive nights

-a flying reindeer raped Scott Baio