Russian Scientist Believes There Aren’t Enough Assassin Sea Lions

Due to a lack of military funding in the wake of the fall of the Soviet Union, a Russian scientist says Russia has fallen behind the United States “in the race to arm sea mammals.”

In a recent interview with a Russian newspaper, scientist and mammalian heavy arms specialist Gennady Matishov said, “We would really like our animals in future to work like American sea lions.” When asked exactly what that meant, Matishov then played a DVD compilation of all of the best kills and fight scenes from the Jason Borne Trilogy starring Matt Damon. At one point he turned to the interviewer, pointed to the screen and stated simply, “Imagine a sea lion doing all that shit. Fucking crazy! People will be all like, ‘is–is that a sea lio–AHHHHHH-GRRAAHHHH!’”

Mastishov went on to say, “The Americans drop their animals from helicopters into enemy waters and then the animals place mines on installations, make videos of what they see along an enemy shore or use a special gauge to measure radiation.” What Mastishov carelessly forgot to mention is that the mighty powers of the United States have also trained sea lions how to kill a target and make it look like a suicide, and how to blend in with large crowds using nothing but a fake mustache, sun glasses, and a series of conversation topics including the current status of the weather and the recent poor performance of a local sports franchise.

Some American sea lions are in such deep cover that you, the human reading this, may have been fathered by one. Oh, and that “job” he goes to everyday? It’s not a job. He’s thwarting terrorist plots and seducing beautiful ladies, and all before the 7 ‘o clock family dinner…and all while being a sea lion.

But Mastishov isn’t messing around when he speaks about Russia’s decline in sea lion military training. He trains a group of wartime sea lions himself. Not only has he trained his 10 or so sea lions to locate mines and use tools, but he’s also trained them to differentiate between a Russian diver and a non-Russian diver. That last part is actually a lot simpler to do than it sounds. All sea lions know that Russian humans sweat Broched and emit the same pheromones as a bear in heat.

Mastishov is one of the last Russian scientists still working in the field, which is sad because he was hoping to eventually parlay his sea lion work in to more funding to research his dream project: Karate gorillas with rocket launchers for arms.