Russian Demons Poisoned By Holy Water

We’ve all heard of Montezuma’s Revenge, right? That old folktale that supplies a reason for why Mexico’s water makes your ass turn in to a fountain of terrible, terrible nightmares? Yeah, well apparently, most Russian water has the same effect (we like to call it Khrushchev’s Comeuppance).

During a recent Epiphany celebration in a Russian orthodox church, 117 people were poisoned by Holy water what was collected from wells around the church. This whole “stagnate water poising people” thing is a nice story, and we’re sure there are some people that believe it. But we Funny Cravers are smarter than that. We all kind of went to college. We can recognize a cover up when we see one. So we kindly ask the Russian government to stop spreading these lies to the global public. We know what’s really going on here: demons. Those Russian church goers were demons.

Don’t you think it’s a little convenient that in this huge country where everyone is presumably drinking water in between those few instances where they’re not coating their bowls of cereal in vodka, that one day a large group of people not only drink water but Holy water, gets sick from it. Why haven’t we heard about large, sweeping epidemics of Russian citizens getting sick from their water before this, huh? Because the people that got sick were fiery hell demons disguised as human, but were tricked by a very crafty church.

Now, don’t get shit twisted, here. We’re not claiming that ALL Russians are demons. No, far from it. We’re simply claiming that half of them are Demons. The other half is vampires. Some may argue that they are one in the same. While this may be true, fuck that. That argument is pure semantics. You try getting cornered by a demon and a vampire in a dark alleyway and attempt to differentiate between the two. The result will be your death. If you didn’t worry about it you could have saved some time and just gone right for the slaying of evil undead ass.

Anyway, yeah. Russians are demons and vampires. That’s, like, a fact and stuff. So, you know, go write that on wiki. Need further proof? Broscht.

It’s a blood substitute eaten by Russian vampires on really cold days when human blood pressure is really low. Again, another fact. No need to back it up with a second source. It’s from a book. So go type that on wiki, too.