Google. Everyone knows the word Google. It’s become a verb, “Google it” or “To Google.” If you Google something while wind surfing, it then becomes an action verb. Google is not only the world’s most trusted and used search engine, but it’s the number one most visited website on Earth. But does that mean it’s good? When it comes to public opinion, people are always tossing around the idea that just because everyone likes it, it doesn’t mean it’s good. So if that can be true of politics, music, movies, books and TV shows, why can’t it be true of a search engine? Well, that’s what I’m here to test.

I’m going to test out Google’s merit in a way that some scientists have come to call “Outside of the Box,” and which other, far more respected scientists have come to call “Fucking idiotic.”

By employing the usage of such wondrous internet tools as the Random Word Generator, and the Random Curse Word Generator, we’re going to marry two sets of unlike words, enter them in to the Google machine, and see which set of random words offers up the most interesting results. The results will be broken up in to two segments: The Sites, the most interesting website found with the unlike words; and The Sights, the most interesting image found with the unlike words.

If right now you’re wondering just how this would prove whether or not Google is good, we would just like to assure you by saying this method is time honored and time tested as it closely examines th–Ooh! Look! A puppy!

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Unlike Words: blame piss bag

The Sites: The forums over at the world famous ThePoopReport.com brought me a post by user Wild_Bill with the subject heading of “Pissing on Pillows in a Department Store.” If you were thinking that maybe this heading was the prose equivalent of “Pic Unrelated,” you were wrong. Pissing on Pillows in a Department Store just might be the most literal title since that time you recorded yourself farting in to a bag of Doritos and left the .avi clip on your desktop with the label “Doritos fart bag.”

Here’s a small sampling:

The pillows were in plastic bags, so I decided to angle one of the pillows from the back so the opening in the bag was near the front where I was standing. I then zipped open the fly on my pants and carefully placed my penis inside the bag with the pillow and then let go a strong, long stream of piss onto the pillow inside the bag.

You think when DARPA helped to create the internet that they would one day wonder aloud, “You know, guys. I think we’re doing some great work here. Soon, everyone in the world will be able to recount their experiences of urinating in to yet un-purchased pillows in the middle of a crowded store with nothing but the most elegant prose.”

The Poop Report User Tank Girl commented on the pillow pisser post:

If any of that shit is true, you need mental help! And I think you’re a fucktard.

Another user, this one by the name of “The Shit Volcano,” wrote:

Nasty! I leave for a few weeks and a whole bunch of sickos flood the site. Yes, Dave. Time to break the protective glass on the emergency ban button. *shudders*

Repeat: The Shit Volcano on ThePoopReport.com – a site that has a section titled “Fun with Feces” — told Wild_Bill that he was fucking disgusting and should be banned.

The Sights:

A baby with a man’s head…that’s wearing commie diapers.

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Unlike Words: Germany pussy whistle

The Sites: The first link right at the top of the results page comes from Yahoo! Answers. User KrazyK asks the faceless minions of the internet,

How do you make your vagina whislte?

I always heard pussy could whislte, but I wanna know how is that done? can some female tell me… or if one of you men out there actually taught a girl to do it let me know because it sounds krazy

Additional Details

Guys a vagina can whistle i just wanna know how. it can whistle and freaking fart which i hate… and way it also can smoke and shoot out balls….

If a vagina could whistle, porn would be very different — titles for pornos would be very different. For starters, “When The Pussy Blows,” “The Pussy That Whistled Dixie,” “The Pussy Whistles While It Gets Worked,” and even “Whistling Pussy Get Loaded With Cum then fukd!”, which would be a title commonly found on tube sites; hence, it’s lack of pun.

While I wonder whether or not this question was actually asked without a hint of irony, it did receive a fair amount of responses from people that were more than willing to help KrazyK out with her non-musical pussy.

Ashley responded with,

The only other way i think you could actually get it to whistle would be maybe stick some type of whistle or recorder type instrument…hell maybe even a harmonica if you want to be creative and then queef….

Is Ashley suggesting that KrazyK get creative, and then queef, as if it would assist in the creative thought process? Or, is she merely suggesting that KrazyK stuff her vagina with harmonicas, flutes and kazoos?

They’re both insane, so I guess it could go either way.

Lucy L. said,

Wouldn’t it be easier to teach it to play the piano?

Classic. said,

Maybe you’re thinking of a quiff. It’s like a fart…but through your vagina.

This might be my favorite response, and it’s all because of the ellipsis. Just imagining someone adding a hint of hesitation and apprehension to the words “…but through your vagina” makes the person saying it sound like they’re being extremely condescending as they impart some woefully incorrect information. Perhaps, even, that it’s being spoken by the type of person that makes their sentences sound like they all end with a question mark. “Uh, well, no duh! It’s like a roundhouse kick…but through your vagina?”

But what’s even more incredible is the line of research that this page led me on. If you notice, nearly everyone spelled the word “Queef” incorrectly. They all wrote “Quiff.” A quick search later and I was linked to this Wiki page about the Quiff, which was a once popular hairstyle that combined elements of the pompadour and the flattop. This leads me to believe that if any of the people above were to see Wiki’s “Quiff” page and somehow only saw the words “Notable quiffs,” their heads would implode then viciously explode.

If anyone out there is up for it, I want you to create a Wiki page for the queef (it’s currently only found as in a subsection of the “Vaginal Flatulence” page) and add in a sub section called “Notable Queefs,” or “Queefs Throughout History,” or “Queefs That Changed The World.”

The Sights:

This is the album cover for an EP from 1982 titled Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage by a new wave group from Arizona called Killer Pussy. So…yeah. If you thought 80s new wave was all Depeche Mode and The Smiths, you’re wrong. There was also Killer Pussy from Arizona.

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Unlike Words: baby tongue fucker

The Sites: The moment I saw the word “Baby” pop up as the next in the line of random words, I knew this would be the point where everything would go downhill. Regardless of the word the curse word generator landed on, the end result was going to be horrifying. And it was.

GWAR is a band that people have heard of but have probably never actually heard any songs from. Of course, there’s a reason for that. In my search I was linked to a lyrics page for one of GWAR’s songs. The song is titled “Baby Dick Fuck,” so I imagine it’s played in a lot of dentists’ offices and high end affairs with lots of foreign dignitaries.

So now, with a great sigh, I present to you the lyrics to “Baby Dick Fuck.”

Dead..
Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck

Take your fat tongue! And curl it into a ‘U’,
You take and unborn child who knows not what you do

Chorus:
Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck – Baby Dick Fuck – Baby dick Fuck
Baby Dick Suck
Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck

There’s no excuse, give him the goose
With a push and then a shove
Teach that child how grown-ups love

(chorus)

Fuck Fuck
Suck Suck
Fuck Fuck

I haunt the malls and the Burger Kings
I am the giver of pain
Splitting the rumps of the wicked
Only the nipples remain (x2)

The cherub screams “NO” as I move to defile
Our bodies entwine in a puddle of bile
Many years later we’ll look back and smile
As we thrash about on the urine-drenched tile
The delivery room is as still as a tomb
I fuck the child while its still in your womb
The child is now dead and you start to blubber
Fuck your warm corpse with your child as a rubber

Take your fat tongue, ram it up her bung
Her face is packed with cum
We’ve only just begun
From your head, your eyes I pluck
Give you savage socket fuck
Work my wand of black obsidian
End up like a Branch Davidian

Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck
Baby Dick Fuck (x a lot)

Well, that was just lovely. I’m particularly moved by the lyric “The child is now dead and you start to blubber. Fuck your warm corpse with your child as a rubber.” I like the mental picture it paints — using the result of a lack of contraception as a contraceptive. Writing a lyric like that takes a special kind of genius. The kind that looks that can look to a pen and paper and see more than just pen and paper. This genius can see a world of endless possibilities. A world that they can control with a wispy flick of the wrist. A world where this genius can rhyme “Blubber” with “Rubber,” and connect the rhyme with something about defiling a freshly dead body with a smaller freshly dead body.

In other words, it’s something kind of like this…

The Sights: Warning!!! Extremely NSFW Picture in…

3…

2…

1…

Mother of God…Mankind’s doomed.

If you liked my experiment with Google, then read about the time I did it with Bing. For long time fans of ours, you may recognize this from back in the days when we were known as ScenicAnemia.com.