Running Bing Through the Search Engine Obstacle Course

Have you ever gotten bored and just started Googling a random assortment of words? Maybe something like, “laser man tits onion” and hope you typed some kind of secret internet code that gives you access to an awesome jelly beans and beet juice lasagna? Or maybe you just hope to get some funny/weird stuff? Yeah, we all have.

But did you know that there are other search engines out there other than Google? It’s true. There’s that Yahoo thing, there’s…uh…Lycos? Is Lycos still alive? Somebody call Lycos to make sure it isn’t dead in a pool of its own vomit as a pair of hookers pocket his extensive collection of M*A*S*H memorabilia.

And then there’s Bing.

Bing presents itself as the most awesomest internet search tool on the planet with commercials that seem to suggest the magic behind their search power is really just the enslavement of a handful of super powered, multicultural individuals that I’m going to have to save like I’m Tom Cruise in Minority Report or some shit.

But, I won’t. Not now, at least. I’ll save them when I feel like putting pants on, and to be honest, that’s a prospect that seems unlikely to happen anytime soon for I currently have a series of oscillating fans gently blowing their breezy-breeze at my genitals. Can’t do that with pants.

Seeing as Microsoft is making outlandish claims about the superiority of their search engine, I’m going to put it to the test. Just as I briefly mentioned about 12 paragraphs ago, I’m going to enter a random assortment of words in to Bing and see what I get.

Will it be Funny? Will it be sick? Will it be informative? Will it in any way prove that Bing is good? Probably not for that last question, but take a journey with me as I attempt to answer those other ones.

Seeing as the only random words I can think of for this experiment are “Fart,” “Dong,” “Testicle,” and “Pummel,” I’m going to use a couple of random word generators that I found while using Bing. One is a basic word generator, and the other is a curse word generator. Feel free to play along at home. As far as I can tell after that one search, Bing has not attempted to automatically download vast sums of graphic gay porno on to my computer. So far so good, Bing.

Search Query: Unfortunate Fuckhead

The Sites:

The first interesting site I came across at the onset of my journey is a site called flamewarriors.com. Without actually bothering to look up what the site’s about, I’m going to assume it’s about forum board flame wars, which seems strange seeing as everyone on this forum seems to be furious over a posters lude and offensive comments. Are there rules to flame warring? I always assumed flame wars were all about starting off on a rather pedestrian topic like, say, Annie Rice novels, that eventually lead to people talking about how that one guy from 9 posts back is a douche bag that should get AIDS.

I have no idea what the topic of this discussion was, but it has now become solely dedicated to comments like these:

“So it wasn’t trolling, it was vandalism, from a pathetic shithead who nobody gave a fuck about
eat shit and die you waste of air”

“I thought Lord Cheesdick was a fuckhead early on. Now there is no doubt.”

“As Cheesus is gone, I hereby declare overlordship of all things cheese.”

“I just sort of…don’t care. At all. Really. It’s the Internet. It’s not like it’s serious business or anything”

The Sights:

This is a picture of an iPod giving me a bit of the old goatse. Thank you, internet.

Search Query: Dildo Monkey

The Sites:

Right off the bat I get an exact match from Urban Dictionary. Apparently, Dildo Monkey is a phrase common enough that someone deemed it worthy of a place in our sophisticated modern vernacular.

“A girl who allows a guy to penetrate her with a dildo in front of all his friends while girl is off-tap and squirming around screeching like a monkey.”

I have oft times found myself in such a situation. I’ll be ramming away at a fine young lass with an instrument of vaginal punishment while my buddies stare like puzzled dogs as the lovely lady makes sounds of death that I confuse for the height of pleasure. In such times, I ask my friends if such an act has a name. They respond by stabbing out their eyes, which is quite rude and certainly not helpful.

The Sights:

My actual verbal response to this picture was, “Whoa!!” then I stared for a few seconds. This was followed by, “Nice work, old chum!” I’m not even British.

Search Query: Experiment Anus Tweeter

The Sites:

http://www.kapelovitz.com/animal.htm

“For as long as she can remember, Justine, a 37-year-old Seattle resident, has had sexual longings for dogs”

“Justine parted her thighs and let the pooch penetrate her until the beast shot his spunk up the beauty’s snatch.”

“‘My [current] male dog companion has really no interest in having intercourse with me,” says Justine. ‘But he often wants me to jack him off. I have on occasion sucked him off as well, which he also enjoys.’”

This experiment is no longer fun.

Why has the dog lost interest in fucking her? Is the dog married with child? Is that why he is treating Justine as the floozy fling on the side? Why am I thinking that?

The Sights:

Here’s a picture of a cute dog. This was one of the few images that popped up in the search. My initial intention for showing it to you was to get your mind off of the horrors you just read. I now realize that in my haste to wipe away all memory of Justine the Dog Fucker I may have made things worse. In that sense I’m like Jack from LOST in that one episode where the plane crashes so Jack fucks a dog to make things better.