vodka soaked tampons

Arizona’s ABC affiliate did some excellent investigative reporting this past week as the dove head first in to the seedy underbelly of teenage drug and alcohol use. Evidently, kids like to get drunk and/or high in some fairly creative ways.

That highlighter your kid is using to aid in the study of the Russian Revolution? A hiding place for marijuana paraphernalia. That energy drink they consume during 5th period to stay alert? Pure moonshine. That lipstick? Probably just lipstick. But maybe it’s LSD lipstick! Kids are crafty like that, yet it’s a wonder they still fail chemistry.

While all of the getting-shit-faced methods above are very real, there are some rumors circulating around Arizona about teens finding overly elaborate ways to get messed up. Rather than drinking some vodka, some are rumored to snort it. That can’t possibly be true.

But it only gets stranger from there. Have you ever had a colonic? How about one with beer? Some kinds are (again, rumored) cramming beer bongs in their asses and chugging down beer. What’s most amazing about this is that kids in Arizona have esophagus’s in their asses. They must live near nuclear power plants or something.

And if that weren’t enough, ladies with porous vaginal walls are soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them up their baby holes, allowing their drunkenness to start from the choochie up.

If any of this is true then we predict that Arizona may soon be the first state to offer drug and alcohol rehabilitation classes as a part of the regular school curriculum.