Yes, yes. I know, I know. It’s weird that England has dental practices, because we’ve all been led to believe the English care as much about their teeth as Americans care about their ever-expanding waistlines. It’s an old stereotype that entered the world of the cliché after the Austin Powers movies. So the news of England being a land of people that care about their teeth shouldn’t be surprising. What is surprising, though, is that England is home to one dentist that insists on cutting boisterous farts while your mouth is pried open. And then he makes fun of your ethnicity and makes lewd gestures behind your back.

No, this isn’t some gimmicky dental practice where a part of the fun is getting slandered and having fart sprayed in to your molars. This is Matthew Walton, a 35-year-old dentist from Whitchurch, Shropshire, that is an authentic asshole who apparently doesn’t understand the basic concept of bedside manner, instead replacing it with saying “fucking hell” during difficult tooth extractions, and allegedly forcefully pushing a 4-year-old out of his way during an appointment. Amongst other things.

BBC News has supplied a list of Dr. Walton’s various offenses. They include:

  • Breaking wind during appointments, which wouldn’t be so bad if the sound of his wind slapping out of his ass masked the muzak gently playing over all of your mental screaming as metal rods pierce in to your mouth flesh.
  • Telling a patient he had bad breath, which seems like something most dentists would normally do, but after read this guy’s story, he probably paired his mentioning of the patient’s bad breath with references to horse shit and multitudes of piss buckets just so the patient would understand the magnitude of the stench escaping his maw.
  • Exposing a nurse to X-ray radiation, which, in his defense, was done purely for scientific purposes to see if she would develop superheroic nursing powers.
  • Making derogatory comments about unemployed patients, because if you’re poor and have bad teeth, you should be constantly mocked for it by the person that fixes such problems.
  • Asking patients to show their money before providing treatment. To be fair, he was originally a mob dentist that specialized in conducting back alley root canals as three armed thugs in leather jackets stood guard holding TEC-9s.
  • Pushing a nervous teenage patient back into his chair, telling him: “You will sit and let me do it.” Again, to be fair, the time outs clearly were not working, nor did the threat to take away the kid’s X-box for a week.

You can rest easy knowing that Walton has been barred from practicing dentistry ever again, which is a shame, because he would have made a wonderful organic anesthesiologist. BOOM! Totally nailed him!