Revolution! Vibram Five Fingers Make Feet Look Like Feet
By Ian Fortey
Some years ago, when you first saw a pair of toe socks, you likely thought they were retarded. Like tiny gloves for your toes, the sock ended in little nubbins, each an individual pocket of comfort for your toes. Like most normal people, you probably find feet disgusting, so the idea of molly coddling each and every freakish toe on your foot or the foot of some other CHUD was awful to you. Feet are as hideous as a bag of smashed assholes and you wanted no part of their luxurious toe socking. Well fuck you, cuz you were wrong and the rest of us were right. Toe socks rock. But more rocking are toe shoes. Vibram FiveFingers, weird ass shoes that hold each of your toes. Fuck yeah! Take that, Communism.
Developed by an Italian company and chock full of shit like neoprene and probably granola and boobs and other wholesome things, these shoes are perfect for all those things that require a small degree of separation amongst your toes. Like maybe counting or violating a friend with your foot.
The shoes won an award for being the awesomest toe shoes of 2007, or something very much like that, so why they’re only getting into the news now we don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Al Bundy’s dream of making God’s Shoes is a reality. Fuckin’ God wore these things, are you too cool for God? Huh? Dirty atheist, or possibly Buddhist. Buddha would so wear these.
