Recipes For Success #5 – Dressing Like a Champ

If you’re anything like me, you are emotionally incapable of getting to know people beyond their sex, height, eye color and skin disorders, in that order.  When it comes to making new friends, the best you can hope for is a fleeting moment of understanding expressed by a wink and a booty slap.  Maybe a cautionary ‘hi’ if you’re lucky, but don’t count on it.  I haven’t told anyone ‘hi’ since I was six years old.

And then I killed her with my bare hands!

So, I’m probably not the best person to tell you how to dress.  Except that I am because besides the early homicidal urges and my insistence on acting on those urges, this is totally and 100% truthfully how I look right now:

Not joking.

So when I tell you how you need to dress to look successful, you better freaking believe me.  I know what I’m talking about.  I’ve managed to make what is clearly a plus sized body the hottest looking action in the country.  And I did it with good undergarments and musty old wool clothes that my grandma used to wear when she fancied herself the Bouvier of Cumberland county.  You know what you should be calling me?  A wizard.  Recognize.

This dress smells like forty year old rat carcass.

So far we’ve established two things:

1.  The clothes make the man.

2.  I know clothes.

3.  I am capable of making men.

So let’s get down to brass tacks.  You want to look awesome?  Then, do this:

Step One:  Put some clothes on, fool.

This isn’t your shower or my 21st birthday, so put your clothes on.  How am I supposed to tell  you how to dress if you’re standing around buck naked?  Unless you’re two years old, in which case, congratulations for being able to read this site and comprehend its humor.  Good things are definitely in store for you and your genius brain.

And even if you’re not standing in front of your monitor buck naked, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you look like a million bucks.  Maybe you’re wearing a toga or strategically glued hay.  It wouldn’t be the first time that happened.  And if you do have hay glued to your body as a form of attire, don’t you worry.  It’s a common mistake.  But I’m here to tell you that dressing like a champ means putting clothes on, and not strategically gluing hay to cover your privates.  Tell your friends, you heard it here first.

Step Two:  Put them on right.

The fact that I even have to spell this out in the first place is a travesty and no doubt a reflection of our public school system.  When you put on a shirt, the front goes in the front.  Duh.  Same with coats, dresses, skirts, pretty much anything that is considered apparel.  The first step to looking amazing is getting dressed right.*

*Although, I will say that as a kid I used to put on my pants backwards to make myself laugh.  So dressing wrong for your own amusement is totally ok, just don’t expect to look good while doing it.**

** Ok, that’s true.  But if you’re a girl, and you’re talking about a low-back dress, but then you put that on backwards, there’s a good chance that you’re going to look awesome, assuming you’ve got something worth showing off.  But there’s still something mentally disabled about putting your clothes on backwards on purpose.  So keep that behavior on the down low.

Step Three:  Wait…go back.  Let’s make sure those clothes are awesome first.

Forgive me, I’m drunk.  What I really should have said was first you pick out some fly looking clothes, then you put them on right.  So, in your heads, please switch number two with number three.  Unless you don’t need number two, due to your not being retarded, then go 1, 3, 4, etc.  It’s not rocket science.

Step Four:  Do you know how to tie a tie?

No?  Me neither.  But that’s probably because I’m not a character in a rom-com who’s giving out some witty banter while I prove who’s got the pants in the relationship.  I’m also not the kind of girl who wears ties, not that there’s anything wrong with girls who wear ties.  God bless them, to each their own.

But if you’re a guy, you need to learn how to tie a tie.  Here’s what I recommend:

a.  Go to google.com

b.  Type ‘how to tie a tie’

c.  Do what google says

d.  Roll in riches, success and the many ladies who love you now

But keep in mind that:

Step Five:  You are not Don Draper.

Not even close, so give up the dream.  If Don Draper is the sun, you’re this little speck of off-white lint that I just picked up off my chair.  And I can’t talk because I’m the chair.  Or…wait.  I’m Joan Holloway, so I’m a red sun?  Maybe one of those dwarf ones because I’m short?  Or maybe, if Don Draper is the sun, I’m an actual dwarf who has red hair and lives here on earth.

It’s the internet, so you’ll never know.

Step Six:  When all else fails, dress like Rocky.

Now there’s a champ.