Way back in the second week of November, 2010, we gave you the perfect recipe for asking someone on a date. By now you’ve successfully followed all those steps and have not been arrested, so it’s time to plan out that special date with that special someone. And even if she’s not all that special (who are we kidding, right?) you still need to put some effort into making the date a humdinger. And by ‘humdinger’ I’m not referring to secret sex slang that the kids are using. ’Humdinger’ is 20s talk for awesome. Let’s get planning!
Step 1 – Set a Date
Unless your prospective date is a cave lady living in a cave, unaware of the artificial constructs of days of the week and hours of the day, she’s going to need a time frame to plan her life around. Maybe you set the date when you called her in the first place, but I’m guessing that call actually ended with you bluthering something about how happy you were that she accepted and then abruptly hanging up the phone before anything was set in stone. Now is the time to seal the deal.
Don’t set the date too far ahead, because she will definitely renege on the whole deal if she has enough time to think about it. But don’t go, ‘What about right now?’ because you haven’t done the other steps of this recipe yet. The next Friday or Saturday should be fine. Don’t plan a date on a weeknight because only cool people do weeknight dates and you are not the Fonz.
Step 2 – Make Your Reservations
Even if the place that you want to go to doesn’t take reservations, you still need to make them anyway. No, I don’t know how to accomplish this. Maybe you break in the night before at 2 in the morning and write your name on a table? And then the next night you show up with your date and go to that table and say, “Excuse me, but I believe you’re at my table.” And then you sit there, maybe on the laps of other customers, and eat their food.
Wouldn’t it be funny if this whole time the restaurant that I was talking about was McDonalds? Because it was!
Step 3 – Pick Up Your Date
Even though it’s cute and whimsical to offer to give your date a piggyback ride to the restaurant you chose, you might not have the strength to carry out the offer, and then you’ll end up dropping her on the street, and she cracks her head and then you have to carry her again, but to the emergency room, and when you finally you get there it’s heart attack time, nevermind that your date bled all over your new Tommy Bahama shirt that you bought just for this date night…
…or that she’s mad because she dropped her shoes somewhere along the way and you won’t go back to look for them mid-heart attack, or that you’ve missed your stupid dinner reservation altogether.
Just pick her up in your car. Be on time.
Step 4 – Order for Her
Seriously. She’ll love it.
Step 5 – Small Talk
Skip it. I say go for big talk right off the bat. Politics, religion, sexual history, how much money you both make, why she isn’t married yet, weight, and why she thought that top would be a good choice for her body shape are all good choices for a first date. You might as well get the big stuff out of the way first, right? There is no way that it’s not a good idea to start a conversation with the words, “How about that Sarah Palin, huh? She’s got some great ideas and great knockers to spare! And her daughters aren’t too shabby, either!”
Step 6 – Fun After Dinner Activity
This is the part where you explain how extreme you are, and you take your date on a spontaneous extreme activity. Roller blading, cat burglaring with real cats, hobo punching, playing like Marty McFly and grabbing onto cars while skateboarding, are all super fun things to do on a date. Your lady friend might not have dressed appropriately though, so be sure to bring her a change of clothes. Preferably from your mom’s closet.
Step 7 – Saying Goodnight
Oh my gosh, you know what was the cutest? When Uncle Jesse and those other two less attractive men sang baby Michelle to sleep on the hit show Full House. And it was cute because A) they singing doo wop and B) three grown men telling someone ‘good night’ in song is precious. Form a doo wop band to tell your date ‘good night’ is what I’m saying you should do. They can hide in the bushes while you walk her to her door, then, on a pre-arranged cue, have them pop out and join you in some sweet harmonies. Not only will your date appreciate the effort you put into tell her good night, but she’ll have a great song to hum for the rest of her evening. You’ll be planning that second date and first baby in no time!