Recipes for Success #13 – DietingBy Kristi Harrison
As hilarious and jolly as it is to be obese, sometimes you have to admit it’s a bit inconvenient. Like when you can’t fit between your steering wheel and driver’s seat, and also when you have heart attacks. Sure, we all want to use our bodies to convey how well-fed we are, who doesn’t? How else will the neighbors figure out that you’re living on more than a quarter a day?
The Rockafellers of their generation.
But there comes a point, usually in between aforementioned heart attacks, when you start to wonder if the glamor of that gut hanging over your pants is really worth the trouble its causing you. Yes, everyone can see that you’re not starving to death, but what if you’re actually doing more damage to your body by overeating? What if you’re eating yourself to death?
Oh, did we just thought-provoke you? All over the world, scientists and fashion models are starting to question the ‘Eat More Food to Show How Rich and Healthy You Are’ lifestyle. We think they might be on to something – something skinny. And since Funnycrave is all about science and fashion, here is our Recipe for Success: Dieting.
Step 1 – Assess How Much Weight You Should Lose
If someone put a big red jacket and fluffy white beard on you, could you be mistaken for Santa Claus? Even though you’re an Asian female, not a white old man? Then maybe it’s time to lose a little weight. Here’s a good guide for determining how much you should lose:
Mama in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape big – 300 pounds?
Chris Farley big – Lose 100 pounds
Tony Soprano big – 50
And so on – 20 pounds
It’s a safe bet that every single American alive can stand to lose at least 20 pounds, so just go with 20 if you’re in doubt. Another quick test to determine how much you need to lose is to decide who you want to look like, google how much they weigh, and shoot for that number. So, let’s say that I want to look like the 1996 version of Fiona Apple, for example. Fiona is 5’2, just like me, and in 1996 she weighed about 80-something pounds.
Looks like my work is cut out for me!
Step 2 – Pick Your Fad Diet
Some diets are harder than others. That’s why you need to pick the one that looks the easiest. One good diet is called ‘Don’t Eat Until You’re Skinny’ diet. Another one that I like is the one where you get to eat whatever you want as long as you throw it up later diet. Consult with your doctor before starting either of those old standbys.
If you’re doing a fad diet, however, you should be just fine. That’s why they’re called F.A.D. diets:
Some people do diets that involve molasses and lemons and cayenne pepper, but just the thought of that combination of groceries makes me want to throw up. Good thing I just ate! Other people do diets where they cut out all of one thing, or eat only one kind of food, like chicken and dumplings, all the time. That sounds like a good diet to me.
Step 3 – Quit That Diet When it Doesn’t Work, Try Another One
Something is bound to work. Those diets weren’t just invented by fat Neanderthals…look at that guy in the picture. He’s a doctor. Look at him…he’s skinny and he’s going to eat all that food! Unless you, too, are a skinny doctor you have no right to tell me or him that he shouldn’t eat everything on that table. NO RIGHT.
Once you find the right fad diet for you, keep doing it until you get to your goal weight, or until completely unrelated health issues put you in the hospital.
Step 4 – Take Some Pictures of Yourself
Capture the moment, because you are never going to be this skinny again, I can promise you that right now. Myspace angles are recommended, especially if you haven’t gotten around to toning all that flabbiness that used to be filled with fat. For the best effect, hold your camera up towards the ceiling, then look up. You’ll get the double advantage of big doe eyes and gravity pulling your formerly fat face down for you. It’s like getting a free face lift without even offering your plastic surgeon sexual favors! Score!
After you’ve taken, oh, about a kajillion pictures of yourself, relax. You’ve earned a break.
Step 5 – Go Back to Your Normal Eating Habits
Better yet, treat yourself with a few ‘extra normal’ eating habits, because you’re probably hungry after all that dieting, huh? Go nuts! You’re skinny now!
Step 6 – Repeat
Because this definitely wasn’t a long term solution for your weight issues. For that, you need to look into surgery, voodoo or suicide. Good luck!