Punching Ashton Kutcher In The Face: A Field GuideBy Dan Seitz
Very few people can put “professional douche” on their business card and be absolutely sincere, so Ashton Kutcher has achieved a small, tiny pinnacle of human achievement, shared only by Simon Cowell, making money by creating rage. Just the fact that he’s seen Natalie Portman live, in skimpy clothes, is enough to hate the guy.
But like all creatures, he’s got to go outside some time. Which means he has to occupy some physical space, and that physical space can also be occupied by fists. If you find yourself with an opportunity, here’s how to do it correctly.
1)Scout for Security
Not that he actually has anybody protecting him; please, even people desperate enough to go down on you in a bus station have more self-respect (we know, we asked them). It’s like saying anybody would take a bullet for Andy Dick. But Kutcher is technically famous, so if you’re around him, he is probably near other famous people, which do have security hired to hit you in the kidneys repeated if they think you’re a threat.
Unfortunately, you can’t just let them know you’re only beating the crap out of Ashton Kutcher, as that would give him ample warning, so you need to time their location until they’re the furthest distance away and/or distracted by a Kardashian sister trying to get attention for whatever crapfest they’re involved in this week.
2)Track His Cell Phone Usage
By analysis of his Twitter feed, we’ve determined that Ashton Kutcher is on Twitter roughly 85% of his waking hours. This is a good thing, for reasons we’ll get into later. You want to time your attack as he’s in the middle of a tweet, so look for the following signs:
Rapidly moving thumbs
Close analysis of his cell phone screen
Smug, arrogant expression
Remember, it’s only 140 characters, so you need to move quickly.
3)Run Silently, Run Swiftly
Move to Kutcher swiftly, and aim your punch directly to the nose. You will feel the flesh-mask he wears over his true form, Sznognorz The Eternal Rage-Inspirer, squish in, and you will connect with his testes, which are stored in a hard nub underneath the nose of the flesh mask. Don’t go for a gut-shot after: that’s actually a sexual act for his species.
4)Sprint Away, Avoiding The Death Rays
At this point, Kutcher will likely split his flesh-mask long enough for you to witness his true, hideous face. It looks a bit like a fly, a lizard and a Snookie had a threesome and gave birth to a monstrosity that God himself shuns.
Surprisingly, this is actually the case. Equally surprisingly, it is not actually the worst thing to come out of Jersey, either.
Anyway, he shoots death rays out of his eyes, but that renders him blind and his aim is terrible, so you probably won’t die in agony. Run towards any reality show “stars” you may see, using them as human shields. This is for legal reasons; it’s not actually a crime to hurt or kill a reality show star under the Patriot Act.
5)Steal a Getaway Vehicle, Drive to a New State, and Start a New Life
If possible, steal something older and American. If Kutcher attempts to chase you, the iron allergy of his species will make pursuit difficult and painful. Choose a state you have no friends in and begin a new life as an Internet comedy writer under an assumed name.
A few more tips:
Don’t expect any media reportage of the incident. As we all know, the media is controlled by a coalition of space aliens, billionaires, vampires, and the secret Nazi alliance, so they’ll cover up any incident which doesn’t forward their agenda.
Parachute pants are good to wear; loose, easy to move in, the silk distracts the compound eyes of Kutcher, and he hangs out in places where they’ll easily be construed as “ironic.”
If you’re captured and sent to a mental hospital, don’t take the drugs, whatever you do. They’ll convince you of things that are categorically insane, such as Ashton Kutcher is just a B-list celebrity who rode the Internet and banging Demi Moore to more fame than he actually deserves. That’s what Sznognorz wants us to believe, before he starts infecting humanity with his young via radio waves.
On the other hand, the computer labs in mental hospitals are really quite nice.