Proposed Reverse Racial Identifiers for White People

Pretty much every culture of color has their own food-based term for designating one of their own who they think internally identifies themselves as white. You probably recognize some of these words:

• Oreo – black on the outside, white on the inside.
• Twinkie, or banana—yellow on the outside, white on the inside
• Apple—red on the outside, white on the inside
• Coconut—brown on the outside, white on the inside

White people, however, are curiously behind the curb in this regard. Which makes sense, not in any sociological way we’d even pretend to understand, but because, really…what foods out there are white on the outside and red/black/yellow/brown on the inside? It’s a mystery, a mystery that has prevented us crackers from developing an established lexicon to properly identify our own and catch up with the rest of the world.

Let’s be real— white people are culture venturers. We dabble in all kinds of stuff. We’re touristy like that. There’s nothing wrong with it. And honestly, who cares? We might as well have some fun with it. The suburbs can be a boring place, sometimes—so boring that we typically use our teen years and early twenties to “branch out” in a faux-racial sense. It’s practically a rite of passage.

Like we said, natural foods that are white on the outside and colored on the inside are few and far between, so solving this mystery involves mostly sorting through Little Debbie snack cakes and other brand-name dessert foods.

So what are the reverse-terms for each of these four cases? Let’s have some good, clean, racist fun and find out.

Disposition: White on the outside, black on the inside

Culinary Identifying Term: Milano (the cookie brand)

By far the most popular and applicable archetype. Some people calls these guys “wiggers,” but that just sounds too bitter and hateful, like we’re somehow denying or denigrating the profound influence of hip-hop on mainstream American society. We’ll go with something refined, delightful and delicious to quell all the negative connotations—the Milano.

Walk into any upper-class high school classroom in America, throw a bucket of M&Ms and you’ll hit 50 Milanos, at which point one of them might say something like “Yo homey, why you frontin?” And you’ll laugh because, y’know, what the fuck did he just say?

How do you spot a Milano? Easy—check for baggy pants, hooded sweatshirts and baseball caps or visors pointed any which way but straight.

King of the Milanos: We could say Eminem, but that would be taking the easy way out, so we’re going with Andy Milonakis.

Disposition: White on the outside, yellow on the inside

Culinary Identifying Term: Egg

The attraction to Asian culture really boils down to two things: ninjas and samurais. It’s a scientific fact that samurais and ninjas are metal. Swords, robes, death-before-dishonor, loyalty, top-knots—it’s all deadly. Despite the fact that – like the Wild West – the “code of the samurai” (Bushido) is mostly a pop-culture myth (read: bullshit), we still love it.

Eggs embrace Buddhism and other Far East religions as a “you-mean-I-don’t-have-to-go-to-church?” alternative to Christianity. Actual Asians can thank (curse?) The Karate Kid for teaching a generation of would-be eggs that nothing—not even the Cobra Kai Aryan warrior known as William Zabka—can defeat a crane kick.

How do you spot an egg? Look for a large, black Chinese symbol tattooed on their bicep, which for all a bystander would know could mean anything from “peace, love and tranquility” to “angry dragon vagina.”

King of the eggs: Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai

Disposition: White on the outside, red on the inside

Culinary Identifying Term: Petites, the red velvet kind. Hey, nobody said this would be scholarly or 100 percent logical.

Yet another in a long line of historically touchy subjects for white people—the story of how we f’ed over our Native American brethren. White guilt doesn’t get any more poignant, or ironic than a Petite. Petites are a rare breed—they’re not explicit or visceral in their affectations. They don’t adopt anything except a raging heart-on for historical reparations.

How do you spot a Petite? This is a tough one. Try waiting until next Thanksgiving and listening to the guy who can’t let dinner pass before mentioning how, again, we f’ed over the Native Americans.

King of the Petites: Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves

Disposition: White on the outside, brown on the inside

Culinary Identifying Term: Pretzel…dipped in white chocolate. Wretzel?

Although a decent chunk of the world’s population is brown-skinned, and inside that chunk is a hundred different cultures, the brown-on-the-inside part of the Wretzel usually swings toward one of two broad categories—Hispanic, or Middle-Eastern.

If Hispanic is his calling card, he’s got an affinity for wife-beater tank-tops, or he’s got some sort of sublimated man-crush on Danny Trejo. If Middle Eastern, he’s giving religion another shot and sticking it to the man at the same time. Even though he is the man, technically.

How do you spot a Wretzel? If he’s serious about it, you’ll either notice all the badass upgrades he gave to his Toyota Supra, or chafe the next time he tells you how immoral it was for you to eat that Wendy’s Baconator Double.

King of the Wretzels: The Situation