Proof That Obama Wants to Indoctrinate Your Children

Poor President B-Rock. The guy can’t catch a break. It seems that everything he does is met with some level of controversy. His latest threat to all mankind is his speech to school children later today in which he will tell them to study hard, never be scared to ask for help, and, of course, replace all of their crucifixes with the picture above. Is the picture badass? Yes. But the manner in which he is defusing the situation (exploding the helicopter, and fending off an Obama eating shark with some nunchaku that he has named “X-ecutive Decisions”) is totally something that Karl Marx would have written about in one of his many pulp adventure books had Karl Marx ever actually written pulp adventure books.

For all of the talk of indoctrination, many people on the rightwing have since withdrawn their complaints upon seeing the actual text of the speech.

Not we. Or us. Or whatever.

We KNOW for a FACT that President Obama’s speech today is the final of many socialist propaganda filled drafts that was thankfully changed due to true patriots voicing their opinions and letting the “president” know that they will not stand for a tyrant telling their children to do well in school. Why? Because Hitler did that about 45 minutes before he killed 6 million Jews. At the same time. WITH ONE PUNCH.

Using our super secret spy in the White House, Funny Crave has received a number of the previous drafts of today’s speech. The amount of propaganda and indoctrination in them makes us feel SocialismFascismHitlerBirthCertificate. Here are some of the most horrifying excerpts.

“House is a good show. A little ‘paint by numbers’ but that is one bad ass doctor, man.”

“You’re right, children. Broccoli does suck. But if you eat it, you’ll get ice cream later. So, you know, that’s  win. I guess what I’m saying is choose your battles. Oh, and same goes for asparagus. It’s like piss.”

“Help your community by picking up trash and deposing of it in a proper receptacle. This is also a euphemism for sex with prostitutes. I support both of them.”

“Schools are lands of wonder. Lands of mystical adventure and whacky secondary characters that will aid you on your journey to Mount Graduation where you will be confronted with the evil forces of real life. Sorry, I’ve been playing a lot of D&D. Anyone have dice?”

“If you are struggling with a tough question on a test, just close your eyes; take a deep, relaxing breath; stretch your arms and take a peek at the Asian kids’ paper.”

“Dodgeball is a lot like life. No, seriously. You have no idea how many times I’ve been cracked upside the head with a rubber ball while I govern.”

“You like ball pits? Socialism will give you one.”