Predictions for The Final Season of LOST

Admit it; by the time the final episode of any season of Lost rolled around, you were pretty sure you knew what the entire show was all about and how it would all end. After you admit that, you should also admit how long it took you to clean up all the brain matter and skull fragments from when your head exploded when you’re entire theory was shot to hell by the end of that episode. One hour? Two?

Lost is a tough show to guess the outcome of because we have yet to be given all for the information necessary to form a comprehensive prediction. Knowing this, we’re going to do it anyway because that’s what Lost fans do: we like to torment ourselves by doing things we know to be A) futile and B) a complete waste of time and energy, especially when we know we’re just going to end up feeling like unobservant jerk offs by the end of it.

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Luis Prada, The Educated Guess Theory

First off, allow me to show off my credentials…

I spent 4 years at Oxford, double majoring in particle physics and philosophy. I’ve spent more money studying those fields then I’ll ever make in those fields…unless I write a self-help book about how a person can become a purer altruist by whispering their hopes and dreams in to the ears of quark. With that said, I’m pretty sure I’m qualified to talk about what will happen on the final season of LOST. And with that being said, I feel confident enough to admit that I have no fucking clue what will happen on LOST.

The show is about as predictable as the current location of a quark (that’s a little physics humor being dropped on your ass), so if we want to predict it, we have to begin with some basics. First of all, Desmond will be in a near constant state of panic and will always – ALWAYS – look like he’s on the verge of tears.

And this season will have no shortage of things for Desmond to be on the verge of tears about, either. For instances, I predict that 1/3 of the castaways in the picture above will die. The other ½ will be erased from the space-time continuum, and the remaining 1/8 will wonder how I could have graduated out of Oxford’s particle physics department with little to no understanding of how fractions work.

Of course, the big question here is what happened to the island and its residents after Jughead (the nuclear bomb) went off. The idea behind it was to negate the existence of the island in the past, thereby making it impossible for the Oceanic 815 flight to crash on it in the future. A good idea, but I believe this will backfire. Instead of sending the island residents to the past, the bomb will rupture the island’s core of magic and transport the entire thing to a totally awesome parallel future world universe…thing.

In this alternate future, Ben will be the island’s ruthless dictator. Kate will be the island’s Princess that can never leave the confines of her home. Jack and Sawyer are no longer strangers, they are brothers — brothers that have made it their mission to save Kate. And instead of the smoke monster, there’s like this weird yellow fungus everywhere, and it really doesn’t make much sense. Then there’s some shit about guns that look like Super Nintendo Super Scope guns that apparently shoot the opposite of evolution. And then Hurly is like a regular boring-ass dinosaur and there’s nothing whimsical or fun about him anymore.

Basically, everything sucks and you can’t possibly image how any of it relates to what happened before.

…damn…wait…Did I just describe the Super Mario Bros. movie, or did I just predict what will happen on Lost this season?

Fuck, I really, really hope it’s the former.

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Adam Brown, The Synergy Theory

Season five ended with Juliet falling down a deep hole and probably breaking her leg or some shit.  Because this is Lost, I expect season six to begin with shots of her competing in an impromptu triple jump competition on the beach.  That’s just how it works, broken limbs are of no regard on the island.

As for that big explosion, not an explosion at all.  Instead, it will be revealed that there is some new, as of yet unseen device just kind of laying around waiting to be discovered.  It’s only apparent use is to cause big flashes of white light.  The bomb never went off, Juliet just rolled over onto this device.  The people behind Lost love tie-ins.  Don’t be surprised if the device is an iPad.  Whatever it is, we won’t know anything about it until there are approximately four minutes left in the final episode at which point it will be revealed that it’s just a device used for creating big flashes of light and is therefore of no consequence at all.  Awesome.

Speaking of tie-ins, I think it’s pretty clear that we’re going to have to see the Cloverfield monster on the island at some point.  Maybe in an epic battle with the smoke monster or something.  Whatever the case, it’s going to have to be there.  With Lost ending, J.J. Abrams is going to need a new project for people to be enamored with.  The Cloverfield sequel would be perfect.  Maybe the Cloverfield monster actually batted that ill fated Oceanic flight out of the sky.  You know, like that sneaky helicopter that tried to get away in the first Cloverfield movie.  Man, that would be awesome.

Or maybe at the end of the season finale, they cut to a shot of the Cloverfield monster suddenly waking from a dream.  It was all a dream, everything that happened on Lost was dreamed by the Cloverfield monster.  It’s called the St. Elsewhere ending.  The monster is so pissed at this shitty conclusion that it goes on to destroy NYC in a fit of rage.  What I’m saying is, Lost is really just an elaborate Cloverfield prequel.  Either that, or I have no fucking idea what is going on or how this shit is going to end.  Probably the latter.

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Ian Fortey, The Ill-Informed Theory

Ah, the final season of Lost.  When last we saw our intrepid castaways, Jack was beardy and crazy because he wanted back on the island.  And Sayid was working for Ben.  And John Locke was dead or something.  Maybe.

That’s when I stopped watching the show anyway.  From there, I feel confident making some guesses about how this last season is going to turn out.  Whatever happened in the interim was probably a lot of filler.  Juliette wears a tight shirt, Kate wears a tight shirt, polar bears wear tight shirts.  Whatever.

So this final season will likely open on the Black Rock, which Hurly has pushed back into the water, only it’s anchored to the center of the island by a wicked-huge chain.  So it spins, man.  So they spin around the island while the Others are all “we gotta cut that chain!” only totally no one has bolt cutters.  Except Jack.  BUT HE’S NOT ON THE ISLAND!  HE’S DRUNK!

Turns out, the leader of the others is Jack’s dad.  HE NEVER REALLY DIED! And he’s been living in that cabin by where John Locke got shot and then saw Walt.  And it turns out WALT IS NOW KEANU REEVES!  Or whatever.  Kid’s gotta be like 20 now, may as well cast anyone to fill the roll.  But the thing is, JOHN LOCKE IS DEAD, REMEMBER?

ANA LUCIA COMES BACK ON A POLAR BEAR!  Turns out she was never really dead, because she was infected with polar bear blood, which is highly prized for its REJUVANATING ABILITIES.  That’s why the polar bears were on the island in the first place, man!  They were trying to make IMMORTAL BEAR MEN!

SAWYER WILL WALK AROUND WITHOUT A SHIRT ON! And man will the ladies swoon at that sexy rapscallion.  But then it’ll turn out Sawyer’s been pulling THE ULTIMATE CON all along.  See, Sawyer is really MR. EKO!  Remember him?  Only Mr. Eko IS REALLY SAWYER!  SO SWAYER WILL TURN OUT TO BE SAWYER!  Is your mind prepared to be that blown?  That’s like 10 layers of what the fuck!

It’ll turn out that the island isn’t even an island at all.  All these people are just SUPER WASTED!  So much for your purgatory theory.  It’s not even that deep.  THIS IS JUST BAD SHROOMS AND METH!

So why all the mysterious connections?  SOMETHING TO DO WITH MYSTERY AND STUFF!  Oh, JJ Abrams, you weave a wicked tapestry!

Finally, the monster will turn out to be SPECIAL GUEST STAR BRUCE VILANCH!  He’s just been really hungry all this time.  Can you blame him?  NO!