So everyone around you is having a great time getting drunk and high and laid and such, but you’re sitting there pinching your butt cheeks together and praying to your god that a fight doesn’t break out and an errant fist knocks the wind out of your lungs and the poop from your bowels. This is a common social problem that literally tens of people all over the world have to negotiate through every day.  This, of course, raises the question, just how does one go about taking a duke in the midst of a lively party atmosphere? Oh, you better believe I’m going to tell you how.

Scenario 1: Occupied

One common problem at a lot of parties, particularly house parties, is a lack of toilets to do your business in. In a house with one or two bathrooms, there’s a very good chance that your urge to poop with coincide with the various urges of about 7 other people. There’s the folks that want to barf up the 9 or 10 tequila shots they just downed; the people that have bladders the size of pinto beans; the people that just spent the past 45 minutes making out and rubbing each other’s sex parts, and now want to go top each other off in a room that smells strongly of piss, vomit, poop and a few dozen sprays of lemon-scented Lysol that you just know is trying to fight the good fight, but it just keeps getting carpet bombed with malodorous human waste.  At any given moment, all toilets in this house are being filled to the brim with fluids and solids that once belonged to other people. But that poop urge is strong. It refuses to bow out gracefully and accept that there’s just no place to go. This is when you get creative.

My advice? Find the guy with the gun. Every party has at least one person that’s always strapped and is always ready to whip the gun out when the girl he came with brushes up against another dude on her way to get a beer. You should stick very close to this man as your poop urge intensifies. Talk to him, find out his likes and dislikes, zero-in on those dislikes, and make this man hate you. Then, when the time is right, start a fight with him. You can start the fight however you like – maybe call his girl “a real beefer.” When the sights on his loaded and cocked pistol are firmly trained on your face, take this moment to relax your rectal muscles and just splatter the inside of your pants. Make a real mess. This is a great tactic for a couple of reasons: 1) you just pooped, congrats, and 2), you just made this guy feel like more of a man. He was able to make a man literally shit himself by pulling a gun on him He’s going to go home and Tweet about that, maybe even write a grammatically abhorrent blog about it. If life were like an X-box 360, this man would have just received the “Made A Man Shit Himself Out of Fear” achievement. Everyone wins.

Scenario 2: Child’s Birthday Party

This one is easy. Poop in a cone-shaped party hat. Twirl your hips to get that nice soft-serve look that’s so pleasing to the eye. Or, you can just go the immature route and poop in your pants. If anyone gives you shit (GET IT?!!??) you can just claim that the child-like atmosphere, coupled with the under-cooked burgers and the hour spent in the inflatable bouncy room, really did a number on your stomach and your brain; that in this moment of child-like wonderment, you felt so free and comfortable with yourself that you felt it was totally alright to poop yourself in the presence of children in the same way that none of the children actually would, because they’re smarter than that.

Scenario 3: Bachelor Party

Bachelor parties are universally known as safe havens for all manner of male-centric debauchery. Hookers, drugs, drinking, maybe even some murder, are all hallmarks of a man’s final night of freedom. But in the midst of all this, you may find yourself needing to break away from all of the wild fun to drop some poos while staring down at your penis wondering if you started the night with those red blisters, or if you picked them up at some point during your hooker train. Luckily for you, there are very few rules in the world of bachelor party-dom, and the more insane the antics, the more fun will be had by all, and, most importantly, the more memorable the night will be. So take this chance to take a dump that will be talked about for years to come.

In an alcohol and drug fueled rage, stand atop a table an suggest – nay, demand – that everyone in the room breakout their video camera, for this display will be something they will want to cherish for long after it has been seen. At that point, draw a bulls eye on the wall behind the table.  Why? Hold on a second. I’m getting to that. With the bulls eye drawn, and with all cameras and bloodshot eyes are trained on you, drop your pants and squeeze out a loaf…while performing a back flip with the intent of flinging you excrement on to the bulls eye. If you hit it dead center, you win. If it doesn’t, you win. Much like the house party scenario, everyone walks away a winner.