Pam Anderson is as Popular as Grandma

Maybe it’s because she keeps doing those grating PETA ads and just short of no one wants to support PETA because they’re so obnoxious and kind of awfully hypocritical while at the same time devoid of anything even bordering on creativity or business-sense.  Maybe it’s because she willingly had sex with Kid Rock.  Maybe it’s because she’s in her 40’s and has hepatitis.  Who knows?  But the fact remains, Pam Anderson currently has less mass appeal than a dude dressed as a clown with big boobs.

Because celebrities like to diversify, which is to say put their name on things to get more money, Pam released a new fragrance recently.  And as with all great moments in fragrance, it was launched to much fanfare at the hub of the things-you-put-on-that-smell world, the Rite Aid in Narberth, Pennsylvania.  No one at FunnyCrave is too proud to point out we couldn’t have made up anything funnier than that.

Once everyone and their livestock had their fill of Pam, she moved on.  She had bigger fish to fry and Rite Aid just wouldn’t cut it.  She had to continue to promote her new fashion line, because who wouldn’t want to dress like Pamela Anderson?  So she headed to Miami, where the event was being held at $25 a head plus the option to drop $20,000 to $50,000 to get the VIP experience and party with Pam herself, assuming you’ve had your Twinrex vaccination.

20 people showed up.  Pam made $500.  But probably the club took some of that.  There was a DJ, too.

Alternate potential causes for this little career flummox may also be that Pam is 42 now and, like Madonna, apparently doesn’t realize there’s a point in time, after you’ve had X amount of children, that you need to alter the way in which you try to be sexy.  FunnyCrave supports hot mothers in every way, shape and form.  But FunnyCrave also recognizes that when you’re over 40, you shouldn’t dress like Britney Spears when she was 18.  Even Britney Spears can’t do that anymore.

So Madonna needs to make sure she’s getting lots of calcium lest she break a hip, and Pam Anderson could do well with a sweater and a putty knife to take off some of that make up.  It’s not that she’s not attractive, it’s that she’s just kind of scary is all.  Like a sexy zombie.  Like say you really like this girl in your building, only it turns out that one day she becomes the undead.  Did you see Zombieland?  It’s like that.

Failing that, there’s one potential cause for Pam’s stunning downfall that we have not touched on yet, that seems almost counterintuitive but may still be a possibility.  For all intents and purposes, only her gynecologist has seen more of her than, say, everyone on earth who may have a passing interest in such things.  There’s less mystery to Pam Anderson than there is to why you never see Stephen Hawking on the dance floor.  Every time she goes out, her giant spherical boobs look like pudgy, fingerless hands creeping up from her abdomen trying to choke her to death.  They’re always right there, and the internet has more photos of nude Pam Anderson than it does of hilarious cats.  It’s entirely possible that there’s just no one left who wants to see Pam Anderson.

But if you are one of the few people who do, keep checking in with your local Rite Aid.