When I was 12-years-old, I was an idiot. I haven’t gotten much smarter since then. But at the age of 12, I was an even bigger idiot than I am now, and I also was in possession of a lighter I stole from Spencer’s Gifts. It was a knock-off Zippo with a picture of woman’s ass on it. That’s the kind of thing you steal when you’re 12. I never used the lighter for anything other than melting plastic sandwich bags.
One day, my lighter ran out of lighter fluid, as lighters are one to do. I took the initiative and decided to fill my lighter with fluid, because those plastic sandwich bags weren’t going to melt themselves.
This is the story of what happened when I tried to re-fill the lighter.
Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we’ve got the occasional lump of coal.
You know what? No. Absolutely not. Children need to learn, early and often, that the world is a cold, dangerous place and that people take joy and laughter in your pain. Especially since screaming children are inherently hilarious. We have a few suggestions for Christmas boogeymen that might fit in best with our Christmas traditions. Continue Reading
No. NO! I refuse to believe it. I can’t believe that the Golden Globe academy of voters, or whoever they are, didn’t nominate Breaking Bad for Best Television Series – Drama! I mean, it’s like, if they don’t nominate it, then how am I supposed to feel like everything I like is right in the eyes of a faceless, shadowy organization that might be a myth on par with the Illuminati? How can I live with myself if this random collection of presumably very old people isn’t as hip and with it as I am? Does that mean I’m not as hip and with it as I think I am?
We want to take a moment here to sort out “fundamentalists” from “Christians”. Christians are people who believe you should be nice to everybody and respect their decisions, even if they don’t personally approve of them. Most of America is, technically, Christian, but if you’re not Christian, they don’t care.
Then there are fundamentalists, who call themselves Christian, but lack the reading comprehension to understand certain key points in the Bible, like doing unto others, loving thy neighbor and this whole “Jesus doesn’t want you to be rich” thing. They consist almost entirely of middle and upper-middle-class white people, and with that comes, apparently, the biggest victim complex in the entire world. To hear them talk, they’re right there up on the cross with Jesus.
In reality, they’re whiners. And that whining has, lately, been hitting new ridiculous heights. To the point where they complain about the lyrics of a hymn being “changed”, when they weren’t. Continue Reading
As a big N.W.A., and a fan of Ice Cube as well, I am shocked – SHOCKED! — to discover that Ice Cube didn’t only attended the school of hard knocks. He also attended the Phoenix Institute of Technology in 1987 and studied architectural drafting. Ice Cube, the man that once opined on the simplistic beauty of a day in which he did not required the use of his AK, has a deep appreciation for buildings.
Ice Cube suggests you to check yo self before you wreck yo self, and then, post-checking yo self and ensuring you have not yet wrecked yo self, check out that really nice structure over there. Particularly, Ice Cube wants you to appreciate the Eames building in L.A.
I write this the day before I take my capstone examination for my master’s degree in film. This will be the culmination of five years and roughly a Lexus’ worth of money to obtain a graduate degree. Five long years of toil, working on student productions, working temp jobs, eating Ramen, and stumbling onto a much more financially and emotionally rewarding career that my degree is absolutely pointless in; you know, just like the equally useless undergraduate degree in theater.
Nonetheless, departing graduate school is a time of change and loss. Eagerly anticipated loss, actually. Because now I don’t have to deal with ignorant idiots anymore. Seriously, the amount of idiocy I deal with is staggering.
So, as a public service to graduate students everywhere, I’ve assembled a brief FAQ for the morons who don’t seem to comprehend what a graduate education is. Continue Reading
I am among the many no doubt millions of people who threw away the shackles of the old iPhone operating system for the new, shiny iOS5 and man is it OS-y. A major reason I installed it was to see what this Siri thing was all about… Oops there, she only works on the iPhone 4S. Oh, and the “backup” I had to do 3 times before the install actually happened, at 2 hours a pop because my goddamn computer is slow and ran out of storage halfway through… but that is another gripe for another day.
So, here’s a question: can a thirteen-year-old girl only tangentially in the media spotlight go through a growth spurt like a typical teenager and not have the media obsess over it?
Apparently not. Sorry, Malia. As in, Malia Obama.
But, hey, at least you get to serve as an example of how degraded and pointless our news media has become! Horray for profound levels of saddness! Continue Reading
