Technology moves at a rapid pace. In 1999, who among us could have predicted such wondrous innovations as the iPhone, the Nintendo Wii, Microsoft’s Kinect, or the Snuggie? Not many. Moreover, who among us could have possibly predicted the one innovation that tops them all — the one innovation that has and will continue to save countless lives all over the world? Who could have predicted the invention of satellite-based space lasers that can target a specific person on earth and eradicate any illness they may have, from diabetes to cancer? Only one man could have possibly envisioned that, and that man is 66-year-old Ronald Renken from Minnesota.
The only problem is his satellite laser cure-all is complete horseshit, as you may have guessed. But that didn’t stop him from scamming some old people with it. Or, at least I assume it was old people. I refuse to believe there are people younger than 50 that could have fallen for this.
In December, my girlfriend and I got a puppy, a Shih Tzu, from her coworker, who’d bought two Shih Tzus that had never shown any interest in each other until surprise! Puppies! Neither of us had owned our own dog before, and we were looking forward to years of adorable adorableness.
What I didn’t know is that it would change me. In fact, it would turn me into exactly the kind of person I freaking loathe. Me three months ago would have punched current me in the face so hard I’d go back in time to appear in front of Muhammad Ali, who would punch me out of disgust. And it happened in three months. Consider this article an abject warning.
When I was 12-years-old, I was an idiot. I haven’t gotten much smarter since then. But at the age of 12, I was an even bigger idiot than I am now, and I also was in possession of a lighter I stole from Spencer’s Gifts. It was a knock-off Zippo with a picture of woman’s ass on it. That’s the kind of thing you steal when you’re 12. I never used the lighter for anything other than melting plastic sandwich bags.
One day, my lighter ran out of lighter fluid, as lighters are one to do. I took the initiative and decided to fill my lighter with fluid, because those plastic sandwich bags weren’t going to melt themselves.
This is the story of what happened when I tried to re-fill the lighter.
Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we’ve got the occasional lump of coal.
You know what? No. Absolutely not. Children need to learn, early and often, that the world is a cold, dangerous place and that people take joy and laughter in your pain. Especially since screaming children are inherently hilarious. We have a few suggestions for Christmas boogeymen that might fit in best with our Christmas traditions. Continue Reading
No. NO! I refuse to believe it. I can’t believe that the Golden Globe academy of voters, or whoever they are, didn’t nominate Breaking Bad for Best Television Series – Drama! I mean, it’s like, if they don’t nominate it, then how am I supposed to feel like everything I like is right in the eyes of a faceless, shadowy organization that might be a myth on par with the Illuminati? How can I live with myself if this random collection of presumably very old people isn’t as hip and with it as I am? Does that mean I’m not as hip and with it as I think I am?
We want to take a moment here to sort out “fundamentalists” from “Christians”. Christians are people who believe you should be nice to everybody and respect their decisions, even if they don’t personally approve of them. Most of America is, technically, Christian, but if you’re not Christian, they don’t care.
Then there are fundamentalists, who call themselves Christian, but lack the reading comprehension to understand certain key points in the Bible, like doing unto others, loving thy neighbor and this whole “Jesus doesn’t want you to be rich” thing. They consist almost entirely of middle and upper-middle-class white people, and with that comes, apparently, the biggest victim complex in the entire world. To hear them talk, they’re right there up on the cross with Jesus.
In reality, they’re whiners. And that whining has, lately, been hitting new ridiculous heights. To the point where they complain about the lyrics of a hymn being “changed”, when they weren’t. Continue Reading
As a big N.W.A., and a fan of Ice Cube as well, I am shocked – SHOCKED! — to discover that Ice Cube didn’t only attended the school of hard knocks. He also attended the Phoenix Institute of Technology in 1987 and studied architectural drafting. Ice Cube, the man that once opined on the simplistic beauty of a day in which he did not required the use of his AK, has a deep appreciation for buildings.
Ice Cube suggests you to check yo self before you wreck yo self, and then, post-checking yo self and ensuring you have not yet wrecked yo self, check out that really nice structure over there. Particularly, Ice Cube wants you to appreciate the Eames building in L.A.
I write this the day before I take my capstone examination for my master’s degree in film. This will be the culmination of five years and roughly a Lexus’ worth of money to obtain a graduate degree. Five long years of toil, working on student productions, working temp jobs, eating Ramen, and stumbling onto a much more financially and emotionally rewarding career that my degree is absolutely pointless in; you know, just like the equally useless undergraduate degree in theater.
Nonetheless, departing graduate school is a time of change and loss. Eagerly anticipated loss, actually. Because now I don’t have to deal with ignorant idiots anymore. Seriously, the amount of idiocy I deal with is staggering.
So, as a public service to graduate students everywhere, I’ve assembled a brief FAQ for the morons who don’t seem to comprehend what a graduate education is. Continue Reading
