So, hey, yeah, in case you hadn’t heard, a lot of cell phone manufacturers and networks colluded to use Carrier IQ, which you can’t opt-out of, and deliberately collects literally everything it can, from your passwords and text messages to your location, and sends it over the Internet, unencrypted, to total strangers! Even if you opted out of sending this information elsewhere! Carrier IQ just pulls on its honey badger pants, kicks you in the junk, and takes that information anyway while whispering all the horrible sexual techniques your mom likes in your ear.

We’re sure that questions of why and how will be answered by the inevitable lawsuits and government investigations that will unfold as this whole mess falls apart, but we do want to ask, before the turds really start flying, one question of all involved:

Exactly how f***ing stupid were you to seriously think you could get away with this?

No, seriously. We want IQ tests, because you are incredibly stupid.
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This infographic makes me wonder why I’m writing dick jokes for the internet. Why isn’t FunnyCrave a gambling site? If it were, I’d be typing this from a bungalow in Hawaii with a trained orangutang as my man-servant. His name would be Bobo, and he would fetch me martinis every time I snapped my fingers.

Via: CasinoTopLists.com

We all rightfully view throwing your own poop as disgusting, primitive behavior. If a guy on the bus cops a squat in to his own hand and flings the resulting brown mess at someone you will be outraged and, in the heat of the moment, perhaps between those rare moments when you don’t have an angry fist pummeling this man’s face, you will say something to the effect of “what are you, a monkey?! You’re a huuuuu-maaaaan!”

We think this because, well, to hell with an erudite, scientific explanation – if you throw poop you’re stupid. It’s just that simple. We see the chimps at the zoo tossing poop and we think, “Of course that chimp is throwing poop! That chimp is an idiot.” We expect no less from chimps; throwing poop is the hallmark of idiocy.

According to some researchers at the National Primate Research Center, apparently, the chimps that throw their own poop – or throw anything, for that matter – are actually the most intelligent chimps. And thus, our entire concept of poop throwing has been flipped on its head and now its ass is pointed straight up in the air and is being used as a poop fountain; spraying chunks of intelligence all over unsuspecting tourists with cameras.

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The wizards at DARPA announced they will be funding a project an Arizona professor has been working on for years now; it’s a device that uses ultrasound to control minds, and is already small enough to fit in a helmet.  Now, this doesn’t mean they will be controlling soldiers like drones (yet), but it will allow them to do things like making them feel cool on hot days, or maybe make them see their fellow soldiers as puppies so they don’t shoot them.

I have some ideas in mind that we could use this awesome new technology, once the military has used it to death, in civilian life, since that is where all great DARPA ideas wind up. They made the Internet, after all.

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Damn it. Damnitdamnitdamn.

Well, it seems that we’ve lost yet another terrifically funny stand-up comedian. After suffering a stroke this past October, Patrice O’Neal died last night.

For those that don’t know of Patrice’s work, he was, and always will be, one of those comedians that can simultaneously be highly offensive and controversial but also extremely funny. Patrice was a diamond in the rough. When a lot of comedians rely on shock value and sacrifice actual comedy to gain a following, Patrice somehow found a way to do and be both, and, perhaps even more impressive, he made it look effortless; as if he had pulled up a seat next to you in a bar and just started talking. When he was on stage you got the feeling that nothing he was saying was an act or an affectation – those were his words, his thoughts, his views, and goddamn were they funny. Everything he said was his interpretation of truth and nothing less.

Below are a few videos featuring Patrice doing what he did best — making us laugh.

Patrice, you will be missed.

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We could be balanced and objective, but why bother? Anne Hathway is a goddess. She’s talented, she’s funny, and she’s bangable by any standard. Even gay men want her in the sack once so she’ll be their best friend after they have that awkward conversation about how they were both drunk and it was fun but it’ll never happen again.

And she’s marrying…Adam Shulman.

Wait…who the hell is this guy? The luckiest man on the planet, that’s who. He’s acted a little bit, he’s a jewelry designer, and officially America’s hero, because in a world of slumping economies, idiotic Presidential wannabes, and police brutality, this one guy is living the American Dream.
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PETA has a list on their website entitled “Top ten reasons not to eat turkey.” I am not linking it here, because PETA gets enough traffic as it is. Now, I am much like my fellow Funnycrave writer Dan Seitz in that I am pretty leftward leaning in my political beliefs, and I also agree that most of the far left should choke to death on their bean sprouts. It is in this spirit of hating the hell out of the crunchy-hippy folks that I present you with the following; The Top 10 Reasons To Eat Turkey This Thanksgiving.

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In two days, Americans will come together and break bread as a family because we’re expected to, even though we don’t really like these people most of the time and some of them may owe us money. This is why this Thanksgiving, I’m staying home, watching MST3K, and getting wasted, not necessarily in that order.

But for the rest of you schmucks, here’s a brief guide to coping strategies the third time your aunt tells you that her ex-husband and the father of her children drunkenly slurs out a complaint that if he liked the man meat, he should have told her back in the ’70s.

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Today will mark the official death of the experiment to bridge the divide between the left and the right in America, as the 12-member super committee that was formed to work out a debt reduction deal will announce that the past few months they’ve spent working on a deal has produced the exact same number of world-saving ideas as I have come up with in the same amount of time: zero. But, to be fair to myself, a couple of weeks ago I did come up with an idea for some badass van art, featuring a dragon with big tits punching Zeus as he rides a motorcycle made of souls. (The motorcycle also has big tits). It may not exactly be “world-saving”, but did you hear of the super committee walking out of a 10 hour meeting with some badass van art sketches? Nope! You didn’t. Therefore, I am better than the super committee.

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