Anti-Smokers Stupidly Against Something That Curbs Smoking

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DD Smokeless 11-08-11
The NY Times ran a rather odd story yesterday about how anti-smoking groups are freaking out over e-cigarettes. In case you are unfamiliar with what an e-cig is, they are those things sold from carts at your local mall where a douchey looking guy is standing around "smoking" what looks like...

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A Rare, Honest Editorial About Obama Editorials

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In light of editorials like "Is Obama Toast?", we thought we'd run the usual editorial about this kind of topic through our Translation-O-Tron set to "honesty" and see what we got. This is the result. "We Really Need to Sell Some Ads, So Here's Something Totally Contrary" "Is Obama toast?...

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Cable Is Not Dying, Insist Delusional Analysts, Cable Industry

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Digital TV International
So, if you're a business, losing customers is bad, right? Right. And even if the number of customers you lose is dropping, you're still losing customers, and that's bad, right? Right. But don't tell that to the cable industry or the analysts reporting on it! Nosirree, the cable industry is doing...

"Telepathically Raping" Your Wife Is No Reason To Shoot A Man

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Michael Selleneit
Shooting someone while not in self-defense is cowardly. If you shoot them because you’re mad at them, or have a minor, ultimately frivolous disagreement with them, you’re pathetic. Of course, that’s a very broad statement, so maybe I should get a little bit more specific. Don’t shot...

Grand Theft Auto V: We Guess The Insane Headlines

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grand-theft-auto-liberty-city-stories-20050926041405178_640w
So, as you've probably heard, "Grand Theft Auto V" has officially been announced, with a trailer dropping Wednesday of next week. Beyond that, we know nothing! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! But that's not stopping us from making a logical leap, which is that news networks and newspapers will panic like...

Chris Christie Is Totally Getting Weed In The Mail

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stoner-791927
Chris Christie, affectionately known as "Governor Sandwiches" to most of Jersey, has apparently been sent a gram of weed a week since last spring from Edward Forchion (not pictured, but you know the type). Forchion manages to misspell Christie's name and get his job history wrong, but still, the...

Terrell Mims: Misunderstood Samaritan

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DD Writers 10-19-2011
Last week, I received an email from Holy Taco editor Ian Fortey informing me that a gentleman named Terrell Mims had, quite without my knowledge, run an article I had written on his website, the recently deceased Terrell Mims University. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of...

"Arkham City": How Are You Ducking Work To Play It?

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arkhamcity1107-610
Today is the day that the game "Batman: Arkham City" comes out. If you don't know this, you are a horrible person with warped priorities. The rest of us are settling in to basically put our lives on hold for a few weeks. The problem is, we have jobs, and families, and friends, and social...

A Draft of Dan Shechtman's Nobel Speech

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fyou
Who, you may be asking, is Dan Shechtman? He's a scientist who, back in 1982, discovered quasi-crystalline structures, which weren't supposed to exist. They're a brilliant and important discovery, so of course, he spent thirty years being made fun of as a crappy scientist and miserable quack....

Halley's Comet Returns!

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DD Comet 10-05-2011
      [Note: The author of this piece failed to reach his normal deadline, and as a result panicked and wrote about the first science story he could find on Yahoo. He would like to apologize to the families of those he hurt trying to get this to the editor; they did not deserve what...

Dear GOP: Oh, Just Nominate Romney Already

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mitt_romney_1
Amid all the furor of the competitive Republican race for President, which hasn't even actually started yet since there isn't a primary until 2012, we've learned one thing: boy, the GOP really, really, really does not want to nominate Mitt Romney. First they asked a crazy lady from one...