Otter Tries to Eat Old Man
By Ian Fortey
I’m having a banner week with article titles. How many times in your life have you ever had the opportunity to remark on an otter attacking and biting a man? Probably not often and rarely outside of the very deep south. And the story actually manages to get more awesome when you dig into the details. So let’s do that.
Here are some points you need to be familiar with if you’re in a hurry and want the gist of this story;
- A 96 year old man was out for a walk. 96. That’s almost a goddamn century
- An otter was also out for a stroll. A literal otter. Like a small, semi-aquatic mammal.
- The two crossed paths
- Sensing the presence of an ancient man, the otter reacted as otters do. It bit his ankle.
- The 96 year old man fell.
- Shit got real.
- The otter swarmed
- It went up his body, from hand to hand, biting fiercely. The man’s hands are currently bandaged and his face is scarred up pretty bad as well
- A call was placed to 911 by a passer-by
- Direct quote from 911 call – “There’s a man on the ground and an otter is trying to kill him and I can’t get him off. Hurry please.”
- It is followed by this quote “Be careful! Be careful! There’s an otter in there!”
- The otter proceeds to bite a second passer-by
- The otter, satisfied the passer-by has learned to mind his business, returns to the 96 year old man
- Passer-by punts the otter like a football into the road
- A deputy then shoots the otter 3 goddamn times, convinced that the otter is the villain in an 80’s slasher flick
- Otter does not spring up and drag 96 year old man to a watery grave.
- FunnyCrave stumbles across what is arguably the awesomest story of 2010 so far.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 9:26PM
The officer felt the need to shoot the otter? Really? That was the calculated neccesary response? He couldn't have, I dunno, put on a pair of thick leather gloves, grabbed it, then dumped it into his trunk, then proceed to dump it into a river or something?
Talk about losing some man-points. And lord knows how he had to explain that to his wife and kids.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 3:23AM
No, Sam you just don't understand at all. You have NEVER been attacked by a killer otter, so don't judge. Look at the look in it's eye's, the look of a killer.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 11:21AM
A) Do cops normally carry a pair of "thick leather gloves" in case of otter attack?
B) Have you ever tried to catch a homicidal otter while wearing "thick leather gloves" and dodging traffic?
C) Bonus man points for protecting the public and hitting a small fast moving target.
D) Re: You. Talk about losing man-points, firstly for using the term "man-points", and secondly for sounding like some whiny PETA b*tch.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 5:03PM
Oh hardly, i just like animals. PETA'S a bunch of fucktards, and they're only ensuring their own destruction with their retarded tactics.
And I don't particularly care if the cop has gloves or not, because, say it with me….
*breathes in*
IT'S A GOD DAMNED OTTER.
It's one of nature's most inoffensive, unassuming, non-threatening creatures, ever. Look at it! It practically screams "pansy!" And, if you read the article carefully, it was only able to threaten a man who was practically a century in age. The passer-by probably recieved some very aggrevating bites at worst, and if anything makes them look all the wussier for it.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 5:06PM
And the cop? Oh god, this guy, who somehow felt that an OTTER, of all things, needed to just be flat-out SHOT. Shot. With bullets. From a gun. Like it was some kind of dollar-store crook.
This wasn't a rabid dog. This wasn't an ornery bear. This wasn't even an aggrieved moose with a bone to pick.
This was an otter. They're tiny. They squeak. They eat clams in hilarious fashion.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 5:06PM
So, no, Matt. No bonus points for hitting a goodamned otter. Because, honestly, if "the public" can't protect itself from what is essentially the animal kingodm's equivalent to a Beanie Baby, as I am forced to assume you can't, then I personally think the public needs to be drowned. Or at least severely flogged.
But me? If I'm accosted by a goddamned otter, I'm going to laugh myself silly as I punt it back to whatever water-hole it crawled out of.
No one gets man-points for shooting an otter, Matt. No one. And you? You just sound like a gun-toting, rednecked, buck-toothed, be-mulleted asshole, who's probably compensating for something by carrying a gun around and shooting a creature as pointless as an otter and getting a "feel good" vibe off of it.
…. okay, done now. Sorry 'bout that, Adam.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 5:18PM
I think what needs to be appreciated here is that it took 3 bullets to put the otter down. Clearly this otter was made of pure, adorable evil.
Friday, March 12, 2010 7:16PM
Nah, I'm actually pretty damn smart. Smarter than you, definetely, at least.
But you know what's patently retarded? Your comment. Lookit how dumb it is! Especially in the context of this entire scenario!
Have you ever even seen an angry otter? It's the silliest thing in the world. And hey, friend, guy, buddy, most animals, if given the chance? Would totally fuck out shit up. But a bunch of 'em are like those wussy little nerds that you'd see in practically every movie in the 80's ever: completely ougunned by us even without guns.
Ah, and of course you gotta assume I'm some kinda hippie burnout lady-man. Naturally. I have one bad day, decide to take it out on some asshat on the internet, me and my comrades on the site all have a laugh at my uncharacteristic aggressiveness, and then Fortey tops it off with a hilarious pun. And it just so happens to be about a small defenseless animal, so duh, conclusion fucking jumped to.
Whatever, guy, you go ahead and think that, if it helps ya get to sleep at night. Me? I'm gonna laugh my ass off at how mind-bendingly moronic you are, then get back to my job, which probably pays better than yours.
Friday, March 12, 2010 7:16PM
Yeah, at least squeaky went down like a G.
Friday, March 12, 2010 4:43PM
Sam's a pussy. A shitty little masturbatory hippie dicksuck pussy. Fuck that animal; it's already proven itself hostile and a human life that did nothing to provoke it is more valuable than a piece of shit animal.
Sam, I hope you lose your ability to reproduce because you are patently retarded.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 7:15AM
As for me, it would be an HONOR to be attacked by an Otter, I´d let it bite all over me and not do a thing. It´s a rare treat to be attacked by an Otter, i´d be happy for the rest of my life!