Oral Sex From Teens is the New Rabbit’s Foot

Superstition is a complex, and uniquely human trait. Take baseball players, for instance. When a batter walks up to the plate, you may notice them tapping the bat on the ground a couple of times before every pitch. Or maybe they unfasten and refasten their gloves over and over again. Or maybe they rub a Pinetar cloth across their bat a certain number of times while they await their at-bat. It’s these little rituals that allow them to calm themselves – to reach that almost zen-like state where the thousands of fans in attendance and the many, many more at home watching cannot affect them.

This isn’t just limited to those that perform physical feats. This reliance on superstition can also be found in other ventures, like games of chance – gambling, for instance. Sometimes a lucky shirt can make the dice roll your way. Other times a good, old fashioned rabbit’s foot and summon the cards you need.  For 28-year-old Hung Van Phan, getting blow jobs from teenagers does the trick.

Phan has his system all worked out. First, he spends countless hours on the internet posing as a 16-year-old boy in an attempt to lure in some naive young girls. After he’s put in enough time to enable the girls to trust him, he sets up a meeting. At this meeting, Phan says something to the affect of “I’m obviously not fifteen. But can you girls just blow me so I can get the hell out of here? Those slot levers aren’t going to pull themselves.”

For a sick and twisted as Phan is, something has to be said about the two teenage girls in this scenario. Phan had consensual relations with the girls. Consensual. So unless Phan convincingly dressed himself in a school boys’ outfit like Angus Young from AC/DC, then from the moment they laid eyes on him the girls should have known they were dealing with a much older man that looks like he should be washing dishes in the back of a Korean buffet, and not a pimply-faced 16-year-old that’s worried about his upcoming algebra test.

Oh, and they guy’s name is Hung. Our interns inform us that there may be a joke there. We have no idea what they’re talking about.