Oprah’s Retiring! 24 Suggestions for What She Can Do Now

Word on the mean streets of television that appeals to middle class ladies who love John Mayer is that Oprah is packing in her massive television empire in 2011 after 25 years on the air.  And then just starting a new show on a network she completely controls.  That may not seem like retirement, but whatever, it’s what people in the news are calling it.  So that means, as master of her own media conglomerate, she’ll probably have more free time due to the giant tower of money on which she’ll no doubt be sitting.  What’s a girl to do?  Worry not, Oprah.  FunnyCrave loves you and wants you to continue to be all you can be, so here are some suggestions for ways Oprah can spend her free time.

1 – Pay Madonna and Rupert Murdoch to fist fight in a hastily made Thunderdome

2 – Set up a lab to cross breed Tyra Banks with a gecko.  Call the new creature Titasaurus

3 – Dedicate a whole issue of O magazine to sodomy, see how many converts you get

4 – Find out how much it actually costs to make a homicide “disappear.”

5 – Produce a movie in which you appear as Christ.

6 – Find a way to put more creepy, offputting doctors on TV

7 – Create a lightning machine to rain holy hell down on The View

8 – Pay someone to draw hair on the film of every archive episode of Dr. Phil.

9 – Purchase Sri Lanka and then banish everyone

10 – Make a porno called “The Big O” and have it aired on CBS, FCC be damned

11 – Open a school of dance at which everyone learns the smooth couch-hopping moves of Tom Cruise

12- Expand production at that factory that makes plastic audience members

13 – Hold an annual tournament where down on their luck families can compete for a million dollars by hunting down other down on their luck families in an urban setting

14 – Stage a civil war re-enactment featuring only little people on the lawn of the White House every single day for a year.

15 – Eat a bald eagle and a unicorn

16 – Manipulate the market by purchasing all flavored lubes everywhere for a month

17 – Get Roxette to stage a comeback and promote it as the greatest concert event of all time.

18 – Stress out your audience by protesting Renee Zellwegger, Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock

19 – Create a line of protective cups called Ope Scroats

20 – Start a labradoodle only dog fighting ring

21 – Move the Oprah Book Club online, recommend Mein Kampf and the Turner Diaries each month for a solid year

22 – Two words: Jet.  Pack.

23 – Get Stedman pregnant

24 -Send every audience member who ever received a gift a massive back taxes bill.