Only The Smartest Chimps Throw Their Poop

We all rightfully view throwing your own poop as disgusting, primitive behavior. If a guy on the bus cops a squat in to his own hand and flings the resulting brown mess at someone you will be outraged and, in the heat of the moment, perhaps between those rare moments when you don’t have an angry fist pummeling this man’s face, you will say something to the effect of “what are you, a monkey?! You’re a huuuuu-maaaaan!”

We think this because, well, to hell with an erudite, scientific explanation – if you throw poop you’re stupid. It’s just that simple. We see the chimps at the zoo tossing poop and we think, “Of course that chimp is throwing poop! That chimp is an idiot.” We expect no less from chimps; throwing poop is the hallmark of idiocy.

According to some researchers at the National Primate Research Center, apparently, the chimps that throw their own poop – or throw anything, for that matter – are actually the most intelligent chimps. And thus, our entire concept of poop throwing has been flipped on its head and now its ass is pointed straight up in the air and is being used as a poop fountain; spraying chunks of intelligence all over unsuspecting tourists with cameras.

The researchers identified a number of chimps that enjoyed hurling objects and poop and then they gave them brain scans to monitor their brain activity and level of cognitive development. The scans showed increased activity in the motor cortex, as well as increased activity in the areas of the brain we humans use for speech. In other words, throwing objects, even poop, is a means of communication; of getting another chimp’s attention.

Before I read this entire article from Gizmodo, my theory for why the smartest chimps are the, for the lack of the better word, tossers, is because throwing is evolutionary; it’s an invention. As a species, one of the finest moments of innovation for humanity was the invention of the spear, or even further back than that, the rock. When we figured out weaponry, that was a big moment for us. And then, one day, one of our ancestors threw that weapon at something and that something died. That brilliant ancestor of ours had single handedly invented the fine art of getting shit done without having to move very much — an invention we have never once stopped perfecting, even to this day, and never will stop perfecting. Therefore, this ancestor was an inventor on par with Telsa and Franklin, and all he did was throw a thing at another thing.

As I read the rest of the article, my theory turned out to be in line with that of the researchers.  Throwing, no matter what object or substance is being thrown, is a form of tool usage and is a big sign of intelligence.

The lesson we can take away from this is, if you see a chimp throwing its own poop, that chimp may one day be the very same chimp that bashes your skull in with a rock after it breaks in to your home during the Great Chimp Uprising of 2019. And if you see a human throwing their own feces, cut him or her some slack – they’re not very good at communicating, and that’s the only way they can get your attention.