The internet brings out the best in mankind.  Bare breasts, women who can ejaculate somehow and actual video footage of Bigfoot from all corners of the globe, even where the silly people call him Yeti and worship him while nude and eating berries (Detroit).  Yes, the internet is a tool of wonder and awesomeosity, which is barely even a word outside the confines of this virtual kick ass box.  But for the denizens of this wonderland, all is not always bliss and hilarious list-based comedy.  No, sometimes nefarity lurks in the unseemly corners of this land called net.  And what’s worse, you may be causing it.  And you may not even realize it (pause for shocked silence)!!!

If you have ever been to a website with a comments section, perhaps Cracked.com or even here at FunnyCrave.com, you may have noticed that readers are allowed to chip in their two cents about whatever piece of unbridled sexy sweetness they just perused with their eye muscles.  And many times the comments will be something like “I love your boots!! 420 f lyfe!!  LMFAO cats rulz!!” or something equally as insightful and satisfying to the writers of the piece and you, fellow commenters.  But sometimes there will be comments like “I think your asshole must be where your brains used to be” or “Stop making fun of Miley Cyrus, you just bes jealous cuz yer nobody!” and those comments are sad.  Not just for the piss poor grammar but for the meaning behind them.

The fact is, words can hurt if you’re a pussy.  And so many of us are.  These words, as long as they’re spelled close to correctly, carry a meaning and they’re directed at real people.  Mostly.  Sure, about 50% of the content here at FunnyCrave is plagiarized from legitimate newspapers and then filtered through a comedy program we have that tosses in swear words and topical pop culture references every other sentence (It’s fucking hot like Paris Hilton), but some of this stuff came from a real person.  And the same can be said for any website.

With all of this brain drooping knowledge, we must now ask ourselves, does this apply to us in real life?  And by us I mean you, because I wrote this and I’d be a bit of a silly tit if I stopped typing here to ponder that myself.  Honestly, I have better things to do.  My dog just shit on a blanket and I need to wash it.  But nevermind that.

Ask yourself about your experiences on the internetting expressway of virtual wicked that you travel each and every day in your journey for comedy and information and exposed bosoms from thumbnail galleries.  Have you ever mongered hate towards another in a needless and anonymous fashion, confident that your opinion was just aces?  Here are some common scenarios where this happens and many people don’t even realize it.

Ebay Feedback

You just purchased a mint condition Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series 1 Michelangelo figure, still in the packaging, for $40.  When it arrives, you unwrap that bad boy only to discover the horror that for starters, it’s that fuck stick Donatello and there’s a huge gash in the packaging.  You’ve been bamboozled!

In a fit of nerd rage, you rush to the computer machine and dial up your internets.  Then you direct your browser device to the domain of ebay and log in under your chosen user name, where you let loose a scathing batch of feedback for the seller.  Maybe you even call them a douche.

But did you ever stop to think maybe the seller of this figure was a blind Tibetan?  No, you didn’t.  Maybe this man, frazzled from years of Yeti attacks, escaped with his only possession, a mint condition Michelangelo series 1 figure, and made his way to Boston where he lived for 6 years in a box selling homemade molasses to tourists in the hopes that one day he could raise the funds to get his family away from Yeti country.  And when he finally raised the money, which is super hard because no one buys homemade molasses from hobos, the Yeti Relief Fund people told him there was a $40 tariff on bringing over his wife or whatever, so he had to sell his prized Michelangelo figure and you know what?  In all those years no one had the heart to tell him it was Donatello.  And there was a hole in the box.  And you just called him a douche.  Pat yourself on the back, hate monger.

Cracked.com Comments Section

Say, you like list comedy don’t you?  Last week you read an article on the Most Hilarious Medication Side Effects and you nearly shit with joy (clinically called Fecal Elation Syndrome and treatable with low grade sedatives).  Why not take a break from work and head over to Cracked.com and read their latest list of hilarious and unusual facts?  Oh man, MAD magazine is for assholes and Nazis, isn’t it?

So you tune in to Cracked.com and right there on the homepage you see an article on the most unintentionally gay rap music lyrics of all time and immediately you shit with rage (clinically called Fecal Distress Syndrome and untreatable).  Gay rap lyrics?  Why, you have a homosexual uncle who raps, this is offensive!  What kind of ass hat wrote this?  Fuck Cracked.com!

You decide to not even read the article, you just race to the comments section and anonymously say “Fuck you, you’re gay, your mom was gay for Joan Crawford and eats my ass every night!”

But did you ever stop to think the person who wrote this article meant gay in the happy way?  That this person was a friend to the homosexual community and understands that hip hop and rap have an unfortunate history of including lyrics construed as both misogynistic and homophobic and wanted to highlight some of the positive messages that come from rap?  Messages that need to be taken to heart by the core audience for this style of music, youths at risk who live in low income neighborhoods where they’re at the greatest risk for being caught up in gang violence and narcotics?  No, you didn’t.  And you just told this brave, caring man that his mother fucks Joan Crawford.  Joan Crawford?  Really?  Thanks, hate monger.

Amazon.com Reviews

So, another birthday just passed and man are you full of cake and punch.  Mmm, that was delicious.  And what’s this, someone bought you the latest Dean Koontz epic?  Fantastic, your education up until grade 5 will prove useful in fully comprehending all facets of the tale and the extra years are just gravy.

You sit down and crack open the book and with each passing page you slowly begin to realize that Dean Koontz may actually just be a handful of apes who all have access to the same computer as well as a healthy supply of tranquilizers as the book reads something like what Stephen King would write like if he was angry at his publisher and wanted out of a contract.

Halfway through the book when you can no longer handle reading about hyper intelligent dogs or Peter O Toole fighting satanic snot with Ben Affleck you hurl the book into the fire place and stare in shock as the fire refuses to sully itself with the pages.  So you turn to plan B and log onto Amazon.com and leave a furious review, letting all the world know “Dean Koontz writes the way my ass smells.”

But did you ever stop think Dean Koontz is doing the world a service?  If the people who read Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Sylvia Browne, Stephenie Meyer and Stephen King weren’t busy reading those books for the many, many, many days it takes them to get through, they’d be out doing other things.  Maybe on the streets.  Maybe in your neighborhood.  If not for Dean Koontz, you might have a whole commune of idiots camped on your lawn because someone told them you’re where ice cream comes from and you better fuckin’ believe they want ice cream.  And you could go out and say you are not where ice cream comes from and that, for the most part, all you need is cream, sugar, salt, flavoring and cold temperatures and you can make your own ice cream, but they’re not going to believe you.  Know why?  They’re Dean Koontz fans.  They’re just going to assume you’re trying to use goblin magic to trick them out of ice cream.

No, you didn’t think that.  Enjoy your idiot commune, hate monger.

So you see, words can be powerful on this, the net that is inside of computers.  You need to understand the power you wield and that, even though anonymity begs you to give people what’s coming to them, sometimes it’s not always the best course of action.  Because when you hate monger, it will come back on you.  Or you make kids join gangs and idiots camp on your lawn or whatever.  Plus that Yeti thing.

Be kind in the comments section, kids.  And remember, as editors, we can edit or delete your comments and then send you harassing emails if we so choose.