Obama Tells China About Joys of Uncensored Internet, Porn

In a landmark speech given just hours before meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao, President Obama urged China to relinquish its iron grip on the internet, and to put an end to its senseless censoring of its citizens’ voices.

“I think that the more freely information flows, the stronger the society becomes, because then citizens of countries around the world can hold their own governments accountable,” said President Obama Monday in a town hall with students during his first-ever trip to China. “Oh, and the porn. My God, the glorious porn!”

President Obama then spoke about the benefits of granting citizens with the individual freedoms that every person should be able to enjoy from the moment they are born, to the moment they die – all while taking a firm, non-partisan stance.

“We do not seek to impose any system of government on any other nation,” said Obama to the crowd. “I’m just saying, like, if you want to see some interracial stuff, or maybe some really freaky stuff like, I don’t know, uh, chicks doing it with very large and very complex contraptions, then a free internet is where it’s at.”

President Obama followed up his inspiring speech by employing the usage of an aide’s iPhone. “I know some of you probably can’t see this, but within just a few keystrokes, look at this, within just a few keystrokes I can, and currently am, enjoying a video featuring the fine oral talents of a lovely young lady that is far more theatrical in her expression of sexual pleasure than any woman can be in real life.”

After the iPhone was slowly handed down person-by-person through the crowd – a diplomatic gesture that lasted well over an hour and resulted in at least two crowd members fainting due to an over abundance of sexual arousal – President Obama ended his historic speech with a final message to the Chinese government, “A nation’s self-worth should not be measured by the number of citizens it holds down, nor should it be measured by the opinions it refuses to hear. But rather, it should be measured in the nearly infinite amount of collective hard drive space that is taken up by grotesque and graphic pornography. Preferably, the kind that doesn’t have the genitals blurred out.”

“In this respect, America is clearly the awesomest, and China, one day, you can be, too.”