Obama Bows to His Master, the Emperor of Japan – The True Story
Nov 17, 2009 - By Ian Fortey
On Barack Obama’s recent trip abroad, he caused the entire Republican Party to have combination rage and panic shits as the President was seeing bowing to the Emperor of Japan. Apparently stateside, when you’re an idiot, this constitutes treason. No really, someone said that. Presumably they then went on to accuse the neighbors of selling their trash to the Reds and the apple tree outback of being a lesbian hippie.
The truth of the matter is not that Obama was groveling before a foreign leader, or that he doesn’t understand international etiquette. That’s a smokescreen to fool the rubes. The real truth, kids, is that Barack Obama is a ninja.
Fact is, Obama was merely bowing before his ninja master. Japan’s Emperor Akihito is a 6th level ass kicking ghost. He can put his foot in your ass without even being in the same building. He can knock you out just by thinking it. He could stab you to death with pudding. Try to fathom that.
Barack Obama, as we all know, is pseudo-foreign. Maybe Hawaiian, maybe African, maybe Indonesian, maybe a fucking ninja. Except no maybe. Barack Obama is a ninja.
The year was 1969. A young Barack Obama chooses to go on adventurous trip abroad with his family when tragedy strikes. As his family attempt to enjoy some noodles from a street vendor, a team of merciless ninja assassins, hungry and having left all their cash in different pajamas descend on the family. Toying with the Americans (or Africans, or Indonesians) they beat them brutally with chopsticks and sticky rice. Finally they kill them all. Or so they think. Young Barack survives. And vows revenge.
Seeking out masters in the Far East, Obama, whose name means “Fist of the Dragon” picks up whatever he can. He learns judo, tae kwon do, muay thai, jujitsu, karate and jeet kune do, which hadn’t even been invented yet. And after many years of searching, he discovers a clan of secret assassins deep in the mountains of Japan. He discovers the ninja.
The master of the Ninja school is known as Gong-Ji, which means “stabs you with pudding.” He knows of Obama’s approach long before the young warrior is even aware he has found the ninja school, and Gong-Ji sends out his students to confront and destroy the future President. But Obama’s training serves him well and he trounces wave after wave of the ninja. Gong-Ji is impressed and sends his best student, Sho-Nuff, to attack. In a heated battle, Obama defeats Sho-Nuff. And Gong-Ji himself comes forward.
Enraged, Obama attacks. But Gong-Ji is the master of this ninja school and is both skilled and level headed. He bests Obama easily, using his strength against him and when it seems he is ready to take Obama’s life, he stops. He would not kill such a skilled opponent without first knowing who he is and why he has sought out the ninja.
Obama explains his story, and Gong-Ji remains quiet for a time. Then he stands down and tells Obama to rise.
“I know your tale, young warrior,” Gong-Ji explains. “I and my school have been at war with these ninja you speak of for many years.”
“Fuck,” says Obama. Gong-Ji agrees.
“Yes. Fuck.”
Gong-Ji offers to teach Obama all he knows, so that he might avenge his family and their noodle tragedy. Obama becomes the student and in time, he learns the true nature of not just ninja, but the master of this ninja school. The man who would one day become Emperor Akihito of Japan. In time, once Obama mastered all he could, he went forth and found the ninja school of his enemies. And destroyed them. And then he became President. And then pissed off everyone. But he doesn’t care. He can stab you with pudding, man.