Number One Lucky Good Crotch Rider Machine!!

Japan is probably the greatest fictional land of all time.  For ages now people have assumed it to be real, as our modern understanding of Japan is based off of rumors and tales of a small island near China from some 50 years ago.  After a series of Godzilla attacks and Astro Boy related accidents, Japan vanished to be replaced with what is now the modern equivalent of Shangri-La, or Denver.  A fictional place of legends and untold treasure.  Treasures like this goddamn thing.

Like Klingon, you can learn Japanese and I have done just that to make this video easier to understand for you.  But be warned – this video is even more awesome than it looks when you can understand it.  Sure, that seems impossible, because this is already the most awesome video ever, but it actually trumps its own awesomeness once you have a transcript.  It’s like a mobius strip of awesome, somehow circling around and encompassing itself once again.  Fuck, that’s awesome.

Anyway, here’s the transcript.  Hop on your little mechanical horse and enjoy!

0:04 – Is your groin ready for a mighty impact?!?

0:06 – Yes, Spirit of the Eastern Winds.  Thrust me forth!  Let me ride like John Wayne, if he were a shemale!

0:13 – Greetings, fellow humans.  Do you like to bounce back and forth and/or side to side?  Is your taint antsy?  Look at this fucker go!

0:19 – Wow, I want to lose my innocence to this technological marvel!

0:24 – Whoa!  It rolls my balls like a hooker who is so skilled you need to use black magic to summon her to you!  Look at me go, no hands!

0:29 – That’s because of the crotch horn mounted on the front!

0:31 – Thanks to our futuristic crotch technology, you’ll never need to bury your fingers in your groin again!

0:36 – Holy shit lady, not ever?  But look at this boner I’m sporting in my loose shorts, it’s so hard to keep my hands away!

0:42 – No problem, there’s a handy strap you can hold on to if you need the feel of meat in your hands

0:45 – Wow, it feels just like my penis!

0:48 – And check this out, it gets more disgusting!

0:51 – Oh God, my prostate!

0:56 – If you’re an insatiable fuck pig, you can surpass the amateur level and head straight to the skank setting.  It can handle up to 100kg at this speed before breaking a sweat!

1:07 – Oh man, you’re going to need a spatula to get me off this sticky seat!

1:17 – That’s awful!

1:18 – Watch this lonely spinster orgasm in her living room.  Comical!

1:23 – And this slothful wretch seems to be watching horses on TV.  That’s not weird!

1:27 – Hard working scientists at the Sciencetorium have assured us that riding this thing makes your tummy yellow.  Like the sun!  Yipee!

1:33 – If I had a friend with me, I’d have him spooge on me right here!  Then I’d rub it all in down here!

1:41 – We all feel the same way.  Can’t outrun spooge on this little philly, no matter how fast you try to go!  And it’s all yours for 29,800 yen.  That’s what we call money here!  You can even get a payment plan if you’re so poor from spending all day touching your groin and not working.  Only 11 payments.  Fun!

1:55 – Call now or shame your ancestors!