Nothing Means Anything on the Internet: A PSA
Apr 26, 2010 - By Ian Fortey
Listen news media, you guys need to stop. Hold your horses and take a breath. Sit down, because I have some bad news, man. It’s going to be hard to understand but dammit, you need to hear it.
This morning I watched a video produced by TIME magazine detailing last year’s Top 100 scandal in which Moot, father of 4chan, was voted to number one through some manipulation of the voting system. In all likelihood, about 1 in 1000 TIME readers will have ever heard of Moot, if that. It became a big deal, apparently, that bots had begun generating votes for Moot such that he was the far and away winner. And even more bizarre to the people at TIME, who probably go to Starbucks everyday, was that the bots strategically voted for other people such that the first letter of everyone’s name down the first page of results would read “marblecake also the game.”
What could it mean? Marblecake? What marblecake? What game? What is this internet thing, where’s ebay? How do I email the Googles to a megapixel?
Listen, dumbshit media. It’s been awfully cute that, for the last 10 years or so, you’ve been technologically retarded, but it has to stop. And even if your core audience is technologically retarded, don’t pander to them. The world doesn’t need another expose on rickrolling. Know why? Rickrolling doesn’t mean anything. Nothing on the internet means anything.
The fundamental problem with CBS news or whomever trying to piece together “all your base are belong to us” is the fact they start trying to piece it together in the first place. Hey, what’s with all these Chuck Norris facts? Why, some of these seem blatantly false! To the editorial room! There is nothing to figure out on the internet. No one makes a meme with a point. No one makes a meme. The meme makes it self. Shit happens.
Do you know who made the internet? It wasn’t made back in the 60’s or whatever, it wasn’t military to begin with. They used computers, sure. But the internet, the thing you’re on right now, this was made by the kids you didn’t hang out with in highschool. This was made by guys in trench coats, girls who took 5 periods of art per day, people who were awfully good at math when you were out drinking and everyone who ever loved dungeons and dragons. And now you’re allowed on the internet with them, but at its core, where the internet still grows (or festers, if you will) the internet is misfits. A fuckton of misfits who say shit and do shit that doesn’t mean anything because it’s funny to them.
Don’t try to figure out internet memes, they’re retarded. Literally, seriously retarded.
Monday, April 26, 2010 10:14PM
God Himself has never spoken more truth.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 12:54AM
Ahhh thats so cute.
Lou http://www.anon-vpn.se.tc
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 1:09AM
Wow. Amazing article.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 1:48AM
Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.
I was about to give you one (1) free internet, but thought better of it. This article, while informative to the news media, lacks a certain Je ne sais quois.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 1:51AM
Well you could blame some of the internet clogging on us article writers. We get paid writing stuff like these. Check me out by searching for my name. Hahaha!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 2:22AM
Ha ha It's so true
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 2:22AM
This all day
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 2:56AM
I almost cried. Seriously
Tuesday, April 27, 2010 10:03PM
I am gay.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 3:09AM
What about DARPANET, that wasn't created for LOLCATS… at some point long ago
puts on sunglasses
the internet was serious buisness
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 3:13AM
yes.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 9:23AM
I continue to see more and more "user submitted" videos, pictures, and comments on actual news programs. I know know they think they're being cutting edge, but showing a grainy, low res 5 second video from someones phone, or displaying someone's Twitter comment is not reporting. Yes, both Media and News are changing. No, displaying what you watch on the internet on TV and passing it off as news isn't going to work.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 9:53AM
Hi, i'm 12 and what is this……
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 7:29AM
YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 1:20PM
ZAM! Balogna
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 7:27PM
wat
Wednesday, April 28, 2010 10:29PM
I sometimes think that the "Internet Illiterate Media" might be trolling both their viewers and 4chan.
Think about it. 4chan got annoying in the same way that liberalism, Twilight, Anti-Twilighters, Harry Potter, Avatar, etc. did: No one would shut up about it and it was thrown at our faces at almost every waking moment, from the media to the idiots at school. You couldn't go two seconds without getting pissed off at _____ while constantly hoping for the fad to shrivel up and die. Or at least for everyone to shut up about it.
Think about it. By making 4chan famous "outside of the Internet", the "news" might as well have turned 4chan into an electromagnet for the biggest idiots in the entire world: everyone who does something only for the sake of being popular. Not a day would go by when an old 4channer would whine endlessly about the fresh and plentiful supply of newbies making unfunny jokes and generally filling their beloved paradise with more stupid stuff and ruining rickrolling.
I'm not complaining though, because I'm just as tired of hearing about it too. (These two kids on the bus – AARGH. Mentioning internet memes in real life does not make you a "133t" god!)
You have to admit, when the media sets out to destroy something, they get the job done.
Thursday, April 29, 2010 12:22AM
like the last paragraph, show "the general media" who is boss…
Sunday, May 9, 2010 7:27PM
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