Note To Self: Do Not Solicit Children For Their Pee. It’s Illegal. Apparently.
By Luis Prada
Urine tests can be a bitch. Personally, I’ve never had to take one. But I knew a kid in high school who had to take them on a regular basis. He was also stoned on a regular basis during every physics class we had together. I was solicited for my piss on more than 20 occasions. If I remember correctly, I didn’t like the kid and I once took him up on his offer, with one caveat: that I piss in his mouth. He didn’t get it, and I got to keep my piss. I’m a hoarder. I like to keep my pee to myself.
But, for as much as I didn’t like the kid back then, I now have a profound respect for him and his incessant solicitation of my urine. Why? Well, they say that life always has a bright side. A high school-aged druggie in a physics class trying to gather piss from other high school-aged kids now seems rather mundane after reading this story about a recent high school grad that walked in to an elementary school and just started asking kids (kids, as in “children”) for their urine.
Police suspect that 18-year-old Kevin Manuel Duron, a recent high school grad, just kinda walked in to Manhattan Beach elementary school and started asking children if they would be so kind as to part with just a few spare drops of urine so they could help out a young adult that was not blessed with the fortune of having THC-free urine. We applaud the children because most of them responded with a resounding “Fuck off and get a job, bum!”
“It appears he was trying to solicit urine from elementary school students,” said police Sgt Brian Brown. “Our working theory is he’s trying to gather urine to pass drug tests.” That’s funny, ‘cause our working theory is that the guy wasn’t trying to use the piss for his drug test, but rather, use the children as a farming system so he could sell urine on the streets for people that need to pass urine tests. That theory might be too elaborate, which is probably why the Funny Crave Detective Agency hasn’t really been as profitable as we once hoped it would be.
We should note that while Duron was acting like a creepy child molester, he didn’t actually molest any children. Apparently, asking children for their piss is such a bizarre criminal charge that authorities still debate whether it should fall under the category of “Fucking creepy” or “Fucking gross” – both of which carry heavy jail sentences with a chance of light to moderate prison rape.
Sgt Brown said that Duron was arrested under the Penal Code provision that deals with “annoying or molesting children.” Now, we understand that “molesting” and “sexually molesting” are two very different things. One’s just bothering somebody, and the other is bothering somebody as you make obscene gestures with your hands. But we’ve all been somehow programmed in to thinking that “molestation” immediately means the guy diddled some boy dicks. So, seeing as we all automatically assume that molestation = sexual molestation, hearing that Duron was charged with “annoying or molesting children” seems like a mighty big thing to “or” about.
When you hear it that way you wonder if Duron was arrested for holding his finger up to children’s faces and saying “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you!”, or if he raped them. See? Not knowing the proper definition of a word can create a big chasm. It makes you wonder why the two are even grouped together.
Anyway, as a side note, whenever I make fun of people that got arrested for doing some stupid shit, I always wonder if the person I’m writing about will one day Google their name and read everything I’ve said about them. Then I wonder if they’ll ever get around to murdering me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010 6:22PM
I was just going to let you know that yesterday I was notified by the principal of Jacksonville Elementary School in Arkansas that the step mom of my two children was caught soliciting 6 young girls in the bathroom for their urine. She apparently told some of them she would pay $2.00 but would give it to them the next day and they weren’t falling for it. She then told the children that if they told on her that she would have them suspended. We have been in a custody battle and the father was granted temp. custody in August because my witness which was DHS got into a car accident the day before the hearing so he got temp. custody, even after DHS found a true finding that this so called stepmom hit my daughter with a bat. After DHS receiving several calls about the father and so called stepmom getting so stoned in the backyard that they could barely walk back into the house DHS came to drug test the “parents” and the father refused (for the 2nd time) and told DHS to contact his lawyer. His lawyer advised him not to take a drug test until it was ordered by the court. Then his lawyer changed her mind and told him to go ahead and take the drug test. They were not sure when DHS would arrive so the “stepmom” first asked my daughter to urinate in the cup but she couldn’t, so the stepmom tried again when they got to school and my daughter did not provide enough urine so the stepmom proceeded to go into the girls restroom and ask the 6 children ages 6-10 for some urine. The Jacksonville police department is trying to figure out what to charge her with. It has been handed over to the detectives and Crimes Against Children as well as DHS has been notified. The parents of the students were asked to follow up with the JPD and DHS. The Guardian ad Litem has filed a motion for immediate change of custody, which we will find out if the judge has signed off on in the morning. As strange as it sounds, I guess this is becoming more common.
Friday, February 19, 2010 5:29AM
…….what the shit?
I'd be lying if I said I give a flying crap about nicole's story, but I love the idea that she has trawled the internets looking for a similar tale, and then decided that this was the platform from which she might share her experience, and warn the universe.
Also, which of the women in this story would you rather hang out with?
The bitter ex who spends her day copy-pasting long winded diatribes on any website that offers even the most tenuous connection to her anecdote – or the rad stoner bird who buys kids' piss.
An easy choice for mine.
Friday, February 19, 2010 5:30PM
Timbones, __ FYI, I am not a bitter ex. I am very happily married. What I am bitter about is the fact that it took this long for people to see that this woman is obviously insane and that these people have gotten away with harming children for the last year. Nobody paid attention until she had the nerve to go into an elementary school and threaten 6 children. And I could care less which woman you would rather hang out with. If they want to get stoned, get stoned, but do it when children are not home and you wouldnt be able to hang out with the RAD STONER BIRD because they will both be facing criminal charges. So good luck with that one.
Friday, February 19, 2010 5:30PM
Timbones, __ FYI, I am not a bitter ex. I am very happily married. What I am bitter about is the fact that it took this long for people to see that this woman is obviously insane and that these people have gotten away with harming children for the last year. Nobody paid attention until she had the nerve to go into an elementary school and threaten 6 children. And I could care less which woman you would rather hang out with. If they want to get stoned, get stoned, but do it when children are not home and you wouldnt be able to hang out with the RAD STONER BIRD because they will both be facing criminal charges. So good luck with that one.