Not-So-Breaking-News: Hummer Owners Think They’re The Shit

For some Americans, driving a Hummer to your office from your suburban home is, evidentially, like traversing the wilds of America to form new settlements and herding cattle across multiple states, or so says a new study conducted by three university professors. In this age of growing anti-consumption, Hummer owners think themselves cowboys living by a strict moral code that is slowly becoming obsolete. Who’da thunk that people that purchase a certain car to compensate for their lack of penile fortitude would go on to face even more prejudice than if they hadn’t purchased it at all? Well, most people would have thunk that.

“As we studied American Hummer owners and their ideological beliefs, we found that they consider Hummer driving a highly moral consumption choice,” write the authors. “For Hummer owners it is possible to claim the moral high ground.”

This moral high ground also probably involves getting shot in a seedy bar; becoming the sheriff of a small, dusty town; getting syphilis from a whore; and being dead at 35.

These modern frontiersmen are fighting for what they believe is America’s founding ideals. Sure, they only have time to round up a posse for a fugitive hunt on the weekends (usually after they pick up their kids from soccer practice and make a trip to Home Depot to shop for the aluminum siding that best represents their rugged patriotic individualism), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t hold their moral values cheap.  No, these are men –red, white, and blue bleeding men – that believe it’s always good to mount yourself with as much excessive bullshit as one possibly can because that’s how our forefathers did it when they drove their wagon trains across this great land in order to kill Injuns and eventually slap up Walmarts atop their homes.

Hummer owners, people that have no idea what century they’re living in.