Nicolas Cage IS Superman

Probably you don’t remember Superman Lives, because the human brain builds walls around the memories of things like that. For the purposes of writing this piece, I tracked down the one copy of the film that was ever sold on DVD, dusted it, and watched it, and it fucking sucked. To refresh; Superman is an underwear model with all the fire and passion of bacon that’s been sitting on the counter for an afternoon. Lex Luthor is possibly mentally deficient or possibly so horrified at being in this movie the only scheme he can come up with is to build Kryptonite Island out in the ocean. Kumar does not smoke weed. The whole movie sucks. Superman Jr. has an awful hair cut. The titular superhero does not, at any time, fight a villain in stark contrast to what everyone expects and wants from movies that claim to be superhero films. Like 5 hours later it’s finally over with and you didn’t care about a single moment.

What you may not recall, and what the suckiness of that film belies, is just how hard it was to make and how long it was in development. There was a time when Tim Burton was on board to direct the film. And sure, Tim Burton’s esthetic when applied to Superman is like letting a mental patient cut your hair, but it could have been cool. Couldn’t have sucked as bad as the final product. Probably. Maybe.

Thing is, alongside Burton there was another name on board with Superman; Nic Cage. Nicolas Cage loves comic books. And he loves Superman so much he actually named his son Kal-El, which is Superman’s Kryptonian name. No shit, Cage hates his child so much but loves Superman so much he named him after the fictional character’s totally ridiculous fake planet name. Somehow he got the child’s mother to agree to this, likely by threatening to parade around the house in one of his many terrible wigs.

Now you may be thinking “Nicolas Cage wouldn’t be a bad Superman” and if you’re thinking that we have to assume you’re also picking stuff off your own feet and eating it. Nicolas Cage would be a terrible Superman. For evidence, please refer to the video at the top of the page. For further evidence, please refer to the video here.