“A man convicted of sexually gratifying himself in manure has been caught doing it again – by a child” might be the finest opening line to a news story you’ll read all year. It’s perfect for many reasons. If cuts through the bullshit (GET IT?!) and delivers everything you need to know about the article you’re about to read. Granted, the story is about a man that apparently can only get his rocks off when he’s jerking it in cow shit.

The freak’s name is David Truscott, and he’s 41-years-old. So keep that in mind, anyone-nearing-the-age-of-40. Once your youth is officially gone and you begin to near middle age, life starts to look bleak and empty, and all of a sudden rubbing farm animal poop all over yourself as you sexually gratify yourself starts to look like a more appealing option every day. And the sexual freakiness only up scales from there. That’s why there are so many cases of senior citizens being arrested for fornicating with tree stumps. No there aren’t. That’s a lie.

David was masturbating wildly in a farm, like any normal person would, when he was discovered by the son of the family that owns the farm.

When the police arrived, they found David waist deep in cow feces, surrounded by crumpled tissues. This means once David was found, he remained in the cow feces for a rather long time. Let’s say between the time it took him to first sit in the feces and perform his masturbatory duties, about 5 minutes past. At some point in those five minutes the child discovered him and notified the police. Let’s say it takes the police 15 minutes to arrive. That’s at least 20 minutes worth of his penis just kind of floating around in cow poop, and that’s all based on pure speculation, seeing as the original news article doesn’t go in to detail on the sequence of events. David probably had his wang performing backstrokes in the poop for much longer than that. And, just a reminder, this man lives on the same planet as the rest of us. Food for thought.

Jill Wilson, the prosecutor in the case, says there was a restraining order placed on David Truscott back in 2009 to prevent him from entering the farm and masturbating in cow feces.

The moral of the story here, kids is this: legal documents will not stop a sex maniac from masturbating in your piles of feces.