New Weekly Column! Luis Answers Questions From Yahoo Answers!By Luis Prada
Today is a very special day in Funny Crave history. No, it’s not our one year anniversary. Truth be told, I have no recollection of when the hell we even started this thing. All of time and space is just one giant run-on sentence to me. So, no. It’s not that. What it is a much better. Today, you will be privy to our first regular column that’s solely focused on a single topic.
Today and for the foreseeable future, every Thursday, I will be Answering one question from the famous Yahoo! Answers. For those who have no idea what Yahoo! Answers is, allow me to explain: it’s a shit box of stupid. Okay, well, not entirely. It’s a site that allows people to post random questions that they would like answered because they don’t understand the subtle complexities of typing words in to Google.
As is par for the course when it comes to the democratization of knowledge on the internet, Yahoo! Answers acts as a shining beacon for humanity’s dumbest people. It’s the best place to go to make yourself feel intellectually superior to other humans. Regardless of your level of intelligence – whether you’re a theoretical physicist, or a paste eater – you can always find a question on there that makes you feel like a member of MENSA.
Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user “trygh.” Trygh writes:
Best Answer From a Yahoo! Answers User: “make her sneeze! pepper will do”
Right off the bat, I can sense some hesitation in trygh’s cry for help. Notice how the question ends with “please help me get it out!?” There’s a question mark there. This means that trygh is a little apprehensive about removing the ping pong ball from his girlfriend’s vagina, and with good reason. A ping pong ball, when wedged all up in dat pussy, is like nature’s version of birth control. We’ve all seen those Yaz commercial for that wishbone looking thingies that girls cram in their cooters that, I guess, fires acidy spit at cum, or something. Well, ping pong balls are exactly like that, just without all the technologically advanced acid spit. It’s a very primitive form of birth control that has more in common with rolling a boulder in to a stream that acts as the water supply for a village.
But, let’s assume that the question mark was typed by accident. Maybe in a fit of panic, trygh frantically typed this message to the faceless masses of the internet as a cry for help. So let’s dive deep in to the world of home remedies.
A swift kick to the stomach should do the trick. It’s commonly known that vaginas have their own set of lungs. They’re called the fallopian tubes and they’re kind of like gills, in that they breathe in the liquid around them and suck out the oxygen. This is why women queef. Oh, and the “queef” is not the vulgar “pussy fart,” as some may call it. It’s more akin to a pussy burp, or hiccups, even.
So, now that we’ve full established that a vagina can breathe, you can now look at this situation from the perspective of someone choking on food. Seeing as the Heimlich Maneuver is a myth, a kick to the stomach’s lower regions is in order, just as you should kick your friend in the neck if he/she starts choking on an Enchilada or something. The kick should land in the area above the pubes and below the belly button. Trygh, if your girl friend does not have pubes…awesome. Also, measure about 2 or 3 inches above the vagina folds and aim there. Once the kick is delivered (it may help to lay your girlfriend on the ground and just stomp on that shit) you may hear a silly FUMP! sound. That’s your girlfriend’s vaginal wind breaking free of its ping pong-y entrapment.
It may take a few kicks, but soon, you’ll see that ball fire out of that puss like a pilot engulfed in flames being ejected out of a cockpit. You’ll feel accomplished, her vagina will take a gasping breath of fresh air, and you’ll both have witnessed the trick that she was planning all along.
I hope this helped! Stay safe, you crazy kids!
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll just tell you now that this column is going up waaay earlier than I would have wanted it to. But, it seems that today is yet another day where the world has decided to stop being wacky and idiotic, so there really isn’t much for us to talk about in the way of silly news stories and people to call stupid. So, please, excuse the column’s lack of catchy title and totally awesome header image. At some point in the future, it will have both.