New Friday Traditions for the Flat BrokeBy Kristi Harrison
We hear there are still people who get up at the crack of dark the Friday after Thanksgiving to get their super great deals on Christmas gifts and whatnot. Those people are nuts. The Friday after Thanksgiving should be a day of naps, leftovers, second naps, watching Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas, arguing over whether or not it’s too early to get the Christmas tree, and naps. Shopping outside the house is for chumps and masochists.
Plus, we’re all poor these days, right? How dare anyone go to stores and spend money when the rest of us are broke. Like they’re soooo cool. They’re not cool. We’re cool. Right? Poor people are the coolest. So here are all the new Black Friday traditions that you and the the other cool people can try out this year.
Sit on the stoop and talk trash.
“Hey baby, why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap? It’s still warm from your mom’s big booty!”
You know, stuff like that. It’s fun. And while you’re at it…
Drink on the stoop and talk trash.
But to avoid the stigma of drinking outside, be sure to put your liquor in a brown bag. Everyone will probably think you’re drinking soda or chocolate milk. At least until you’re too smashed to get your ‘yo mama so recently laid off’ jokes out coherently.
Why not, right? Do you have somewhere you need to be? No. Do you have a cup? Yes. What? Do you think you’re too good to beg people for money while they scurry between the Pottery Barn and the Restoration Hardware? Fine. Do a little soft shoe routine and sing ‘Tea for Two’ if it will make you feel better, guvna.
Get a home perm.
Just because you’re a poor panhandler doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some ‘me’ time. And maybe some sassy curls are just the right prescription for your unemployment disease. And don’t think perms are off limits if you’re a guy. They’re totally not.
Stage a time travel hoax and film it.
Or, better yet, construct an actual time machine with your panhandling cup, home perm rollers, booze bag and childishly overactive imagination. And if the time machine doesn’t work, just keep drinking until you black out. When you wake up it will be the future. Time travel!
Make a dress out of leftover turkey.
Cooked turkey, of course. Raw turkey would just be gross. You know what else is gross? Seventy year old Cher wearing the same see-through cat suit it was gross seeing her wear 20 years ago. What’s wrong with people? How would she like it if I paraded around town in size 4 acid washed pleated jeans with the little ‘v’ in front?
Do a Jigsaw Puzzle With the Family
But puzzles can be expensive. Some of them cost $12 or something. So here’s what you do: tear down a poster off of your wall. Do the Farrah one, or the Michael Jackson one where he’s laying down on the ground in a yellow sweater vest. It’s time to move on. Then, rip up the poster into a million tiny little pieces and throw them on the floor. Then, yell this, “No one eats until this puzzle is done!” You guys are going to have the most fun.