New Dinosaur Discovered, Filled with Venom; ScientologyBy Ian Fortey
Sinornithosaurus was a turkey-sized raptor that would kill your ass so bad. Oh man, you don’t even know. Newly discovered fossils indicate the little bugger likely had venom and would poison its prey and eat it alive, because that’s the most horrifying thing it could think of doing to another animal as German porn had yet to be invented. But that’s the only big deal being reported about this adorable little reptilian demon when there’s so much more to know and understand. Let’s take a look through the life and times of Sinornithosaurus and find out what kind of guy he really was.
According to FunnyCrave’s paleontology department, Sinornithosaurus was not only venomous, it was a Scientologist. When hunting prey, it would often wait outside prehistoric psychiatry offices and pounce on the smaller dinosaurs as they arrived for their appointments, screeching rhetoric before plunging in its fangs and letting the victim blissfully escape its illogical rantings.
Sinornithosaurus would often accuse other dinosaurs of being glib before leaping at them feet first in an effort to rake out the eyes and soft underbelly of beasts like the Mattlauderadon.
Sinornithosaurus is known to mate frequently but some evidence suggests it would use deception to gain access to the nest of the female and actually raise young that was not its own, perhaps born from stolen or donated eggs. In fact, it’s believed Sinornithosaurus might have even bribed mates with shiny baubles to make them stay and reproduce but, while in the dark, private enclosure of their den it would not actually touch its mate, though it would be fiercely protective and enthusiastic over it in public, to the point of jumping on prehistoric sofas and attacking talk show hosts in mad frenzies.
Sinornithosaurus used litigation as a distraction method, often having a small dinosaur present papers that a lawsuit was impending against anyone who dared speak out against Sinornithosaurus. While the victim read the court summons in a state of befuddle confusion, Sinornithosaurus would then jump on its back and rip its neck apart, feasting on the geyser of blood from within.
Several films have been made about Sinornithosaurus, however the filmmakers were all gutted and eaten. The films then vanished and are believed to have been used as nesting material for Sinornithosaurus’ illegitimate children.
Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the behavior of Sinornithosaurus was that it showed signs of a primitive, one might say retarded, belief structure. Sinornithosaurus would group together, after paying exorbitant sums of money, and pretend to have special powers that had something to do with aliens. It is believed this was all created by one crafty if someone unethical and undereducated Sinornithosaurus who was too lazy to do real work for a living and opted to be a bullshit artist instead.
Sadly, we’ll never know the full story of Sinornithosaurus as it has long since died out, likely shunned by a public who couldn’t stand to see it any longer.