Never Trust Circumcising, Body-Piercing Masseuses

The best part of my day is when I can title an article so succinctly that really, the body of the article is superfluous.  So go ahead and read the title again and try to take that shit to heart, because it’s important.  And you may think “God damn, Ian Fortey is handsome” and you’d be right.  And you might also think that title is a no-brainer but clearly that’s not so for everyone.  If it were, I wouldn’t have to write this at all.  So let’s get to it.

Thomas Alan Heugel lied so that he could remove foreskin.  Do you know how often you’ll ever be able to say that about someone?  Can you even imagine?  You can say “man, that guy is a cock shuffler” about 9/10 of all the people you see in a day, but someone who engages in deceptive practices towards the end of removing another person’s foreskin?  Forget about it, that shit’s as rare as a hooker who takes coupons.

According to the real news story from which I am cannibalizing details, Heugel had a little operation room set up in his house and told people he was a doctor.  To prove this, he wore a lab coat.  In his house.  Inexplicably, he managed to dupe a number of people into letting him give them local anesthetic and then go ahead with either a circumcision, a massage or some body piercing.  How did people hear about him?  On Craigslist and a gay pick up site called adam4adam.

The story also says the dudes who were circumcised consented to it though “police don’t know why.”  The why isn’t really the issue here though.  As a tip for all readers, I’m going to undertake the public service of assuring you, right now, that you should never, ever go see a doctor that you met on either Craigstlist or a gay men’s website.  In fact, any dating site is the wrong place to meet a man who will perform a surgical procedure on your dong.  I don’t even give a shit if he has a whole closet full of lab coats and cotton swabs, because something here is just wrong and you should totally know that.

Anyway, though it should go without saying, here are some other things worth avoiding on Craigslist and dating sites.

• Ads for used diapers
• Offers to change someone’s diaper
• Ads asking you to bite someone
• Offers for free herpes vaccinations
• Offers for prolapsed colon cleansings
• Nude real estate agents
• Obese men interested in cleaning your home.  Nude.
• Prophylactics
• Anus cream
• Vitamins
• Use of a hot tub in an unlit room
• Possum meat
• A masturbation coach