My Debate With Governor Jan Brewer

If you haven’t had a chance to sit through the incredible footage of Governor Jan Brewer’s achingly awful fumbling through basic sentence formation the other day, please, by all means, take a gander.

WOWZA.  Did you make it all the way through? Be honest. If you did, congratulations for having a stomach made of rock and awkward.  I threw my shoe at my laptop screen at the 34 second mark, and now I have to do my work at the public library.  It smells here.

Knowing that Governor Brewer probably wanted an opportunity to redeem herself, we invited her over for a quick little debate and it went awesome. Here’s the transcript.

Funnycrave:  Thanks for coming Governor Brewer.  Can I call you ‘Govn’r?’

JB:  Absolutely.

Funnycrave:  With a cockney accent?

JB:  If you like.

Funnycrave:  ALROIGHT GOVN’AH LOIT’S GET DOWN TO HIGGEDLY PIGGEDLIES.  First question:  I like your hair.

JB:  I am so proud of how I’ve done everything humanly possible to make this hair the best it can be.

Funnycrave:  HA HA HA HA!  ROIGHT YOU ARE!  I’m done with this accent.  Hold up.

Funnycrave:  Second question, I do declayer, how’d you get that lil’ ol’ suit of y’alls so bright and yellow like the mighty Georgia sun on a hot summer day?

JB:  Thanks for that question, Funnycrave.  I.

Funnycrave:  one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi

JB:  Thank you.

Funnycrave:  Indeed.  Let’s turn the beat around.  Turn it upside down.  Love to hear…help me out JB…

JB:  Country gospel?

Funnycrave:  Girrrrlll, you so white.  Percussion, dummy.  Question:  What is the capital of your state?

JB:  Phoenix.

Funnycrave:  Wrong.  Racistville, USA.  High five me up top!  C’mon, don’t be racisty!

JB:  I’m not a racist.  I.  I.

Funnycrave:  Too slow.  You snooze, you lose.  Do you have any questions for me?

JB:  Absolutely.  I would love to hear you renounce your affiliation with unions who are boycotting our great state.

Funnycrave:  Yassa massa!  I’sa be happy to do dat fo sho nuff!

JB:  (blink blink)

Funnycrave:  Did you guess my accent?

JB:  I.

Funnycrave:  NOW, SON!  JEEZ WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE?  DO I NEED TO PUT A SPOON BETWEEN YOUR TEETH?

JB:  I’m so happy that we have done everything that we could to help this state.

Funnycrave:  I’ve got this spoon right here in my purse.  Hold on.

JB:  Wegghhh hagghhh gghhhshh

Funnycrave:   Well, take it out then.  I was only trying to help.  Maybe you’re not having a stroke.  And maybe I’m wearing panties.  But we’ll never know, will we?

JB:  No, we won’t.  Can I say something?

Funnycrave:  I don’t know.  Can you?

JB:  Everyone makes mistakes.  We’re all only human, you know.

Funnycrave:  True dat.  My golly, your teeth are bright.

JB:  Thank you.

Funnycrave:  Do you polish them with the bleached bones of dead illegal immigrants?

JB:  Ha ha ha.  Now you’re the one being funny.

Funnycrave:  High five me.

JB:  You’re my best friend, right now.

Funnycrave:  No doubt.  Up top.