My Advice For Dr. Laura

Hey Dr. Laura.  Heeeeeeeey.   How are you? It’s been a rough week, I know.  And I know you’re probably a little down on yourself.  Probably getting consolation from your close-knit family who also cherish your hardcore all-American family values,  just as you do.   Your faith must be a source of comfort to you in these times of persecution.  I just want you to know that I’m with you, sistergirl.  I’m with you like a n-word is with hypersensitivity.  Don’t let the liberal elites get to you, because you’ve got the First Amendment in your corner.  And don’t listen to anyone when they start calling your face ‘catcher’s mitt-erly.’  They’re just jealous.

Obviously.

So I thought maybe it’s time for you, Dr. L, to get a few words of wisdom from me, Dr. K.  Granted, I’m not as good at life as you.  I’m still married to my original husband and didn’t have two extramarital affairs while married to him.  Additionally, I don’t have a doctorate in physiology like you.  Here’s a fun fact:  when you glance at physiology, it kind of looks like ‘psychology.’  But it’s not ‘psychology,’ it’s something altogether different.

I also haven’t posed naked all splayed out with my privates showing like a dirty hussy that one time.  So, be sure to take my advice with a grain of salt.

Advice # 1:  Keep On Keeping On

Keep on giving out that advice, D.L. Hugely Awesome.  Keep on saying highly charged words that are never ok for someone like you to use, no matter what the context is.  And then keep doing those things self-righteously, defensively, like you’re 100%  right and the whole world is against you.  I love it when you do that.

Visionaries like us don’t get the privilege of respect from our contemporaries, and I should know.  Do you think anyone came knocking down my door with congratulations that time I called my manicurist a ‘chinaman?’  They did not.  And yes I knew he was Korean.  That was the point, I was being ironic, just like you.  People don’t get us, Doc Lau.  We’re from the future, they are from the past.  We are 3008, they’re 200-late.  We are going to subjugate the crap out of everybody if they don’t get their act together, aren’t we?

Keep on keeping on being sagely and ironically racist, Dr. Laura.  The people will figure out our joke when they’re scrubbing our toilets.

Advice #2  Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

And it’s all small stuff!  AM I RIGHT?   Remember that time your son Deryk posted cartoons depicting rape and murder and all the crimes you can think of on his Myspace page, and the Pentagon decided to investigate him for his horribleness and apparent lack of an internal value system that would have told him glorifying war atrocities is totally wrong?  Remember that?  I don’t! Small stuff!

Remember when you were married and you had an affair with a married father of three and he left his family to co-habitate with you for several years, eventually fathering your only son, but totally getting you pregnant before you got married?  Remember that?  I don’t!   SMALL STUFF!  DON’T SWEAT IT!  You’re so good at not sweating the small stuff that I really wonder about your internal cooling system.  You’re going to overheat one day, Schlessinger.  Overheat with common sense!

Advice #3 – It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

I like this picture because it proves you’re not racist.  I also like this picture because it proves that you’re super skinny and it takes discipline and morals to be super skinny.  I also like this picture because it has great symbolism.  See how the black man is in front of  the white wall?  And behind the white woman is the black hall and the exit sign?  It’s like that song:

The ink is black, the page is white
Together we learn to read and write
A child is black, a child is white
The whole world looks upon the sight, a beautiful sight

I bet you secretly wrote that song, Dr. Beelittle.   I like how the exit sign symbolizes you exiting the kitchen when the heat got turned up, and how the white wall symbolizes people oppressing you for using the N-word inappropriately.  I also like how the hall symbolizes the media and the black man symbolizes reverse racism that comes from people who don’t understand you.  The black man also symbolizes the time before the dawn, because he’s the darkest thing in the picture, besides the hall, but I already did the hall.  The hall was the media, remember?

The best symbol in this picture is your teeth, because they symbolize the pearly white gates of heaven that are going to welcome you when you meet your reward, Dr. Laura.  The other best symbol is your hair, because it’s so blond.

Finally,

Advice #4 – Smile and the Whole World Smiles With You

Laugh, and you look like the Cryptmaster.  Alone.

So, keep smiling .  Keep shining.  Knowing you can always count on your own twisted sense of  convoluted morality as an uncompromising rubric by which you can judge others.  For sure.   That’s what friends (and awesome bedazzled monochromatic track suits) are for.

At least, I think that’s what they’re for.  Friends might be for offering companionship and realistic advice that is consistent with their own lifestyles and sense of fairness…but I could be wrong.  Wait, yeah I was wrong.  That’s why you’re my best friend, Dr. Laura.  MY BEST FRIEND.  There is literally nothing you can do or say that will ever make me think otherwise.  EVER.