We here at Funny Crave write about a lot of very strange stories, as you probably already know. But every once in a while we come across a story so insane, so batshit fucknuts crazy, that we feel simply tossing it in with our usual daily updates just doesn’t do it justice.

So today, in honor of what is perhaps the most ridiculous, most crazy-assed story we’ve every come across, we are bringing you a brand new feature that we will employ the usage of today, and probably forget about tomorrow and all days after it.

This is a segment we like to call…

Holy Shit!! Seriously?!

In today’s edition of Holy Shit!! Seriously?!, we present to you the story of a little boy named Hayden who, at the tender age of 4, has somehow managed to turn himself in to the train wreck that most people have to wait until they’re adult-aged celebrities to become.

The story begins with Hayden’s father being locked away in jail for reasons that have not been made clear. Little Hayden loves his father. So much so that he is willing to do anything he can to be with him again, even if it means being a walking catastrophe.

Late one night, at around 1:45 am, 21-year-old April Wright, Hayden’s mother, awoke to discover the one thing a parent fears most: a missing child. While April was panicking, trying to locate her missing son, Hayden was out painting the town red as if he were a 40-year-old alcoholic that just lost his family’s life savings after a 7-hour Blackjack run.

While April was asleep, Hayden crawled out of bed and made his way out back to his Grandfather’s beer cooler where he acquainted himself with a 12-ounce bottle of suds. How did he open the bottle? No one knows.

With a beer in hand, Hayden made his way to the front door. April, having taken the precaution that any smart mother would, installed child-safety locks on the knob of the door. Hayden broke them. How did he break the child-safety locks on the front door? No one knows.

As the article we’re pulling this story from says, “Once out, Wright says her four year old followed his father’s footsteps and was found on Blue Spruce Road, drinking.”

What the fuck does that mean?! Was his father arrested for doing the same thing? Was that a normal activity for Hayden’s father? Did his father normally crawl out of bed in the dead of night, grab a beer, then wander the streets until he was arrested?

So many questions. But much like LOST, this story raises more question than it can possibly answer. And, much like LOST, the shit just keep getting crazier as it goes on.

Once out, Hayden drunkenly stumbled his way across the street to a neighbor’s house. He knocked on the door. When answered, Hayden was greeted by the house’s owner. The owner, while being graced by the presence of a drunken 4-year-old at nearly 2 am, basically told the kid to fuck off and to “get a job you lazy bum” just before closing the door in his face. Or at least, that’s what we assume, because the story continues from there with Hayden still wandering the streets. The neighbor could have put an end to the entire fiasco right then and there by taking the kid in and calling the cops, or even asking Hayden where he came from so he could take him back. But, no. Apparently, wherever this neighbor hails from, it’s perfectly normal to encounter children shit-faced children acting like vagabonds in search for fatherly love. He must be European.

So the story continues…

After the neighbor shut the door in Hayden’s face, Hayden made his way over to another neighbors house. The front door just so happened to be unlocked, so Hayden made his way in. There, in the living room, sat a lovely Christmas tree with a bounty of gifts underneath it. Hayden, piss drunk by now, began to unwrap 5 presents from under the tree – 5 presents for the little girls that live in the house.

As Hayden excitedly unwrapped one of the boxes, his eyes lit up with joy and holiday merriment as he discovered the one gift that would truly set Hayden’s drunken adventure apart from all other drunken adventures– the final piece in Hayden’s tapestry of childhood lunacy.

A short while later, local police found Hayden wandering the streets, intoxicated, holding a beer, and while wearing a fancy brown dress made for a little girl.

The authorities took him to the hospital and informed his mother that they had found him.

After a stomach pumping and the galactic-sized heaps of shame and embarrassment he shoveled atop his mother, Hayden has officially earned himself a story that he will recant in vivid detail years from now, when he is undergoing intense psychotherapy at the state penitentiary, right next to his father.

Unlike most people, Hayden will one day be able to clearly pin-point the precise moment from his childhood when everything went to shit.