Mother Nature’s Def Comedy Jam

The internet is full of hilarious things like FunnyCrave and German fisting videos. Mankind’s history is riddled with epic comedy like Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal, Shakespeare’s bawdy humor, Mel Brook’s kick ass movies and 227 featuring Jackée Harry. But all of this comedy is man made. Surely in the vastness of all Creation, all that is, other hilarity has ensued, right? That was a rhetorical question, because obviously I’m assuming yes or this article would go nowhere and that kick ass title that references def comedy jam would all be for naught.

Mother Nature, that saucy wench, squirted out more than her fair share of punchlines throughout the course of evolution. If you’re a Creationist feel free to assume God made all these idiotic things, we don’t want to discriminate against you just because you have idiotic beliefs.

Your frustration amuses him.

Tibetan Sand Fox – Look at that precious face. What a smug bastard. There are few things more offputting in nature than something that looks vaguely wrong in a way you can’t quite define, which is what makes the Tibetan Sand Fox so delightful. Sure, you know what a fox is supposed to look like, and this spreader of fleas and rabies mostly fits the bill. But he still looks Photoshopped in some way.

I dunno. I'm kinda turned on but..meh.

In point of fact, the Tibetan Sand Fox is hilariously misshaped in a way reminiscent of those creepy monkeys from the Basement Jaxx video, or perhaps the sphinx from the movie Mirrormask, assuming you saw that, which you didn’t.

You know how some people just look like they smell? Yeah.

The fox has the tight lipped expression of an aunt you’re forced to see during the holidays who always buys you a shitty present like suede underpants or a kazoo and you know she has that same fucking sour expression on her face when she has sex once a year with your uncle, in the missionary position, with the lights off, for no more than 10 minutes because she has to get back downstairs and finish her James Patterson novel.

The tears of a clown...so sad

Rosy lipped batfish – Everyone loves sluts, that’s a given.  If they weren’t so loveable then we wouldn’t have so much VD in the world.  It just makes sense if you don’t stop to think about it.  And the only thing that makes a slut more awesome is the deep sea.  Disney knew what they were doing with the Little Mermaid, don’t think they didn’t.

With that in mind, you can see why the Rosy Lipped Batfish is the king of the jungle, if by jungle you mean sea and by king you mean comically whorish looking fish.  Look at those lips, just ready to pleasure a passing smelt for a couple of bucks.  What a harlot!

Looks like Perez Hilton

The frown may lead you to believe the batfish is upset with his lot in life, the unhappy clown of the ocean, forever taunted for having epic porn lips in robust skank red, but that’s probably all a ruse to get you to pay a little more than the traditional $5 for a hummer.  Don’t fall for it, though.  As you can see from the side angle, this watery trollop is also sporting a bit of a mustache and you never, ever pay more than $5 for a blowjob from someone with a mustache.  Ever.

I am my own uncle

Kenny the White Tiger – This one’s cheating a bit as it isn’t a species, it’s just one animal that is completely retarded (like, literally) and it’s all thanks to the meddling of mankind.  So if you like, you can consider humans as part of this entry as well, even though we’re only showing pictures of that sad as shit tiger up that.

Now traditionally we’d be loathe to mock the mentally challenged as, despite our completely juvenile nature, we only like to mock those who deserve it and who can stand up and call us cocks after the fact, but man, look at that tiger.  On the one hand it’s awful and sad and a real downer to slap such a horrible thing in the middle of a comedy article, on the other hand here’s what it looks like in a propeller beanie.  Fuck yeah!

Gold.

Two men enter, one man leaves!

Cottontop tamarin – Monkeys are hilarious for a plethora of reasons.  First and foremost, monkeys can do whatever they want whenever they want and no one says shit about it.  A monkey can put its whole hand in another monkey’s ass and the only person who’s going to care is that other monkey who’s likely just going to think “fuck, there’s a hand in my ass” and then look to see what’s going on.  Probably after that they’ll eat bugs off of each other.

Monkeys routinely take handfuls of crap and throw it.  Just toss it.  Is it a weapon, is it a toy, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s something to do. If you’re a bus driver or a haberdasher or whatever and you just throw a dump around one day, your supervisor is going to have words with you, people are going to talk and friends and relatives will initially make eye contact with you from thence forth when you speak to each other but inevitably, during the course of the conversation, their eyes are going to drift down to your hand to see if there’s any fecal residue all jammed up in your cuticles.

That guy on the back is just a friend

Anyways, that aside, cotton topped tamarins are completely awesome amongst monkey kind because of one non-poop related thing and that is this.  They vaguely resemble post-apocalyptic villains from the Mad Max franchise.

Fizzgig!

Tawny frogmouth – You could argue this next point if you like, but no one’s going to back you up; this bird is the absolutely most ridiculously awesome looking thing ever produced by a night of passionate love making between Jim Henson and an owl.  Just look at it.  It’s probably thinking something hilarious like “Oh shit, I left the iron on!” or “Oh my God, Julia’s a lesbian?!?”

The little one in the foreground is likely thinking something just as amusing as its parent, but clearly a little less shocking, like maybe it has chili shits today.  It really doesn’t matter.

This guy's crotch is surprisingly smooth

Yeti crab – This is a crab that has arms as hairy as Bea Arthur.  That’s pretty much its whole shtick.  It was discovered in 2006, having existed for at least a few weeks in relative seclusion at the bottom of the ocean somewhere around Easter Island, all hairy and shit with no one bugging it.  Then some French dudes were fishing or skinny dipping or some shit and then bam, yeti crab.  It’s just like the old saying “Put your faith in the lord and you’ll get a yeti crab.”