Mortal Man to Marry Anne Hathaway, Suddenly Rise to God-Like StatusBy Dan Seitz
We could be balanced and objective, but why bother? Anne Hathway is a goddess. She’s talented, she’s funny, and she’s bangable by any standard. Even gay men want her in the sack once so she’ll be their best friend after they have that awkward conversation about how they were both drunk and it was fun but it’ll never happen again.
And she’s marrying…Adam Shulman.
Wait…who the hell is this guy? The luckiest man on the planet, that’s who. He’s acted a little bit, he’s a jewelry designer, and officially America’s hero, because in a world of slumping economies, idiotic Presidential wannabes, and police brutality, this one guy is living the American Dream.
Let’s face it, for a lot of guys, getting into the pants of a famous actress is a key subset of the American Dream, along with making a million dollars. But, and let’s be honest here, most actresses suck as human beings. They’re bitchy, or insane, or Scientologists married to gay men so deeply in the closet when you go looking for your other pair of shoes, the brown ones that are supposed to go with the suit, they hand them to you. And let us just say, while it’s troubling to run across Tom Cruise or John Travolta in your closet, they’re much nicer and more approachable than you’d think.
In other words, they are every single quality of a woman’s personality that guys are taught from birth to avoid. My father sat me down when I was eight and taught me “You don’t bang crazy. Crazy is amazing in the sack, but crazy sets your car on fire and tells the police you’re running a meth lab in your kitchen when you disagree over what show to watch.”
Anne Hathaway is, to our knowledge, nice, sane, and uninvolved in any freaky cults founded by crappy SF authors, which she proved by marrying this guy.
So, congratulations, you two, and we wish you a long, happy, healthy, stable marriage.
That said, Adam, talk to your fiancee about getting her ta-tas out more. Come on, bro, you’re taking her off the market. Do us a solid.