Minnesota Man Arrested, Claimed To Cure Any Aliment With Space Lasers
By Luis Prada
Technology moves at a rapid pace. In 1999, who among us could have predicted such wondrous innovations as the iPhone, the Nintendo Wii, Microsoft’s Kinect, or the Snuggie? Not many. Moreover, who among us could have possibly predicted the one innovation that tops them all — the one innovation that has and will continue to save countless lives all over the world? Who could have predicted the invention of satellite-based space lasers that can target a specific person on earth and eradicate any illness they may have, from diabetes to cancer? Only one man could have possibly envisioned that, and that man is 66-year-old Ronald Renken from Minnesota.
The only problem is his satellite laser cure-all is complete horseshit, as you may have guessed. But that didn’t stop him from scamming some old people with it. Or, at least I assume it was old people. I refuse to believe there are people younger than 50 that could have fallen for this.
Renken, knowing full-well people have gotten wise to the ways of old school cure-all-hocking charlatans, decided to update his charlatanism by moving away from miracle elixirs, rejuvenating salves, and revitalizing tonics, to highly technological outer space wizardry. So, in a weird way, Renken is like Scientology: he’s peddling the same crap people have always been peddling; just now that crap is…IIIIIIN SPACE-Space-space!!
After finding a (possibly old) couple (whose names have not been released) with various illnesses to exploit, Renken sold them on the idea that his patented space laser beam could rid the husband of his diabetes, purify their water well, and, on top of all that, could scan the wife’s body for cancer and cure it. And all for a grand total of $2,316, which is fairly cheap considering we have yet to find a cure for cancer on solid ground, and this guy is curing cancer…FROOOOOM SPACE-Space-space!!
Mower County officials have charged Renken with three felony counts of theft by swindle. He may also be brought up on several counts of flimflamitous chicanery and malintentioned hoodwinkery.
